So my baby was delivered at 35 4 and we are now 1 month adjusted age 1 day old. I have a 4 year old who just didn’t like the boob he didn’t have a good latch not due to any ties or anything he just was always shallow and hurting me. I worked with several LCs and eventually came to the conclusion he was just a bottle baby. And I eped for as long as I could and switched to formula. When my 4 year old was a baby I was barely able to produce enough then I got back to work and due to the lack of accommodations to allow me to pump I lost my supply at around 3-4 months.

This time around I’m an over producer and currently have 519 oz frozen. When I go to visit sometimes I’m able to breast feed him sometimes I come in right after he eats or right before and there’s already a bottle made and I’m too attached to any expressed milk to have it wasted. I find though when I breast feed him I still have the nurses make a small bottle with maybe an oz or two just to be safe. In every instance I’ve breastfed him he’s not needed the bottle but I get super anxious about whether he’s ate his full of not. And since I’m an over suppler I don’t feel empty afterwards too and that adds to my anxiety. I know deep down logically that he latches really well and has great control over what he gets but my anxiety just gets the better of me.

I was wondering if it would be a bad thing to go back to just bottle feeding with him or if I should keep breastfeeding him and slowly start working my way up to mostly exclusively breastfeeding. I can’t make up my mind, cause I don’t want to take something away from him that he’s good at but I also want to have the control of knowing exactly how much he’s getting each time so I can keep track of it. When I was bottle feeding my 4 year old I had a little journal that I kept on me at all times and I kept track of when he ate how much he ate when he peed and when he popped. This wasn’t that big a deal with me because at the time I was working in a nursing home as a cna for some time and so charting was just something I did anyways.

Also part of my dilemma is I don’t want to share feedings with anyone but my fiance. Especially after the last visit my in laws had, my MIL wanted to bottle feed him I told her no I wanted my fiance to do so and when he started she was taken aback at the position he needed to be in to be fed and that just harden my resolve that no one else but us would feed him. But I feel if I only bottle feed him people are gonna think it’s okay for them to do feedings and it absolutely will never happen and I feel if I just breastfeed him then there isn’t even a conversation to be had about who feeds him.

I just don’t know what decision would be best. The process to start the feed if it’s directly from the tap stresses me out but then once we get started and get into a rhythm I like being able to do that but then afterwards I’m riddled with the idea that he didn’t eat enough especially since he likes to suckle afterwards and sometimes that looks ike he’s rooting, and honestly I like pumping over breastfeeding more yes breastfeeding is nice and a great way to form a bond especially since I didn’t get to hold him for the first couple days and really never have had the chance to do skin to skin. But on the other hand I know more info about how feedings go through a bottle instead of the breast. I’m just stuck between a rock and hard spot.