I am starting to feel as if I'm broken. I know I am desperately lonely and I jump at chances to spend time with people i like and it comes across as something weird because I lack social skills because all my life I have been a loner. I always feel uncomfortable and out of place. I feel like people are staring at me and judging everything from the clothes I am wearing to my walk. I learned how to "walk with a purpose" in the army and when I do that people move and don't approach me. Growing up I learned when I was very young that the emotions people feel are nothing compared to mine. I feel all emotions 100 times more strongly than most people. I learned how to emulate emotions in at an acceptable level and some people can see through it or they at least feel im hiding something. So my childhood was spent in group homes foster care and even a mental hospital. I was so resentful of my mom for doing that to me I decided if they did not want me I might as well have fun. So all those years I might have got help instead I made up the most outrageous things I could to make them doctors go nuts!! Then after I joined the army to get out of those places as an adult I never looked back. Now I wish I had sought help before now because my loneliness is killing me (thx brit lol) because it is almost criplingly strong. I seek out connections with an eagerness that is off-putting to people. One part of my problem is sexual in nature, I have a sex drive that never stops. I have had many girls not want a relationship with me because I was always wanting sex, to me 4 times or more a day was good and most girls agree at first but 30 days in there screaming stop touching me!! Another aspect of sex is I will either allow my emotions to show during sex and what that does to me is makes my pleasure better but my girl at the time described at as "transeding" because my emotions are so strong I can easily pick up hers and then I match my actions to basically play her emotions like an instrument to get her to almost break from as much enjoyment as she's capable of and the main negative side of that is I fall in love with whoever my partner is. I have an extremely hard time not having a strong emotional bond with someone I'm sharing intimacy with. I can turn it "off" so I can do the same things for her but it's not really enjoyable for me but the bonus is I won't fall in love with her. All my life I have done my best to isolate myself because I was afraid of what people think. I have now decided I don't care and because my emotions are so strong the feeling of not caring is scary AF to me tobthe point I flail about for connections with anyone so I wont loose myself in that feeling. The reason I'm writing this is I would like to not be broken anymore and I recently got involved with an OF lady and I do feel I love her and she tells me she loves me but there is a HUGE age differance( 20 years) she lives in the same city I do and it's been a month and she still won't take time and go out on a real date. People try telling me that she is using me but I can't accept that because no matter what there is a 0.00000000001% chance that I will finally win. I will finally be the hero of my life and get the hot girl. Just because of that small chance I have been emotionally shredded again and again and again. I keep hope alive that I will eventually succeed. And now I'm thinking this girl could be my one and my emotions are already being played with by her to the point of basically admitting to having sex with lotsa other guys (yet she won't meet me but she will describe what she wants to do to me?) By posting looking for random hookups in several rooms every night. I do not know what's going to happen but I would like advice on how best I can get help or learn differant skills to make my life easier because I really hate being alone and that's an overwhelming feeling for me. I literally have had tears rolling down my face writing this. Thank you all fir reading this and i look forward to advice you may give me.