(Just wanted to say that below is a wall of text that was written without much foresight or thought, just some mental ramblings to try and process through these emotions and potentially provide a window anyone who might be fighting the same battle internally.)

So I'll say that I am completely new to all of this. In regards to actually self reflecting with the intent on specifically figuring out my sexual and gender identity. The former of which I feel reasonably secure in, the later of which I feel completely and absolutely lost, smashed together with so many other emotions.

I'm coming from a story that will likely feel familiar to alot of you. Conservative religious extended family, lucked out with a more moderate/almost left leaning family that leaned more left as I grew up. So all that is to say, that were I to tell my mom that I think I might be trans, she would likely be entirely supportive. She already thought I was gay growing up (She was wrong... Sorta.... Maybe... IDK!!! I'm attracted to women. Nuff said.... But who knows. Maybe she still wasn't wrong).

Every time I've tried to accessorize, or accentuate parts of my appearance with dye, nail polish, etc I have been absolutely railed against by family until I was forced to retreat back to this fucking bland shell of a human I've become.

At the start of the pandemic I started really coming to terms with the fact that I was wildly unhappy with this meat shell I pilot. Like, I'm a extremely large individual, broad shoulders, taller, and sporting a fairly large teal colored beard that would make a viking green with envy. But I dress in all neutral shades. Usually a loose fitting T-shirt & shorts. My overall appearance is devoid of any real personality besides my t-shirts which usually feature a band or game I enjoy.

But these last few years I've started to experiment with jewelry, dying my hair and beard, exploring more and more of the things that bring me joy. But I've been keeping to things that are easy to hide or explain away because I have to go back to university later this month and the deep seeded terror of having to socialize again is dragging all that progress back.

I don't know how or by what means I got my hands on a link to The Gender Dysphoria Bible, but reading it just kept bringing up memories, things in my head started to click. My gender choices in games, the fact that I tend to look up to women in power, instead of men. My distaste for more masculine activities and absolute distaste for toxic masculinity (Lost a few jobs because I refused to keep my mouth shut on that last topic...)

At the end of the day the bigger moments stuck out like a sore thumb, because they are sources of envy, and tremendous guilt and shame.

Like fuck. Lets start with the fact that I'd kill to have Jennifer Hale's voice, and that I have more hours combined in Mass Effect than any other game in my near 900 game collection combined. Played FemShep through it all besides for 1 playthrough because I felt I owed it to Mark Meer to experience his voice work. This trend is consistent through almost every game I play. Gender choice? I'm playing a woman.

This all continues and point after point made in TGDB was like being struck by lightning. Felt like I was getting personally attacked. Sure there are some things that didn't quite resonate, but most did. That overwhelming conflicting mental process of not only being envious of women, but also being insanely attracted to women. And for the last few years I've been slowly buckling under the weight of trying to sort through all of that shit and not being able to tell which way is up.

And at this I'm left with tremendous guilt. No clue how to explain it or even quantify it in a way that makes sense. But I will say that coming to this and other subs like it have idk... started validating that these emotions are real. I feel like crying, so this post is just a way of venting and letting off a little bit of steam before I have to squash this all back down until can crack the box open again and start processing this all.

Obviously there is so much more work to be done, but I've started looking into seeking out a therapist in my region that is open and potentially specializes in these types of discussions. First appt is set for 2 weeks from now so... idk, we shall see what happens, and who I may find I may be on the other side of it all.