Yesterday was my 1 year anniversary of HRT. NCAA rules state that trans women can compete after a year on hormones. The week before this, I competed "unoffcially" in a scrimage just to see where I was compared to the other women and I was able to come 2nd overall for the women's hurdles which was a neat little achievement.

Today is our conference meet (basically the last meet of the indoor season) and I ran again in the hurdles, this time officially. After trials, I was seeded 3rd for the finals and I was hype af because there was an actual chance I could win the event. It had been one of my small goals, even while competing on the men's team, to do something like that. My coaches believed I could do it and so did I.

Everything leading up to the moments of finals went perfectly fine as I felt ready to do this. Unfortunately this time around, it didn't translate well into the finals. I placed 4th instead, and while that's still an achievement on it's own, I was extremely disappointed in myself for not even making the top 3. I just got really emotional as I sort of broke down in the corner, frustrated at myself, while a coach comforted me.

This continued into the awards presentation where the top 6 get on the pedestal while their names are called out. It was really hard standing there, trying not to break into tears. Some parent told me to smile and I honestly just couldnt.

I just got out of there immediately after holding back more tears as my teammates cheered me on. I wasnt mad or disappointed at anyone but myself. I talked to the former coach (who was fired last semester for a shitty reason) and he brought up good points. There's always room for improvement and it's ok to get emotional about stuff like this. I actually did have a disadvantage unrelated to HRT, because I have only been properly training for a month at this point (had to medically withdrawl in the middle of last semester and didnt train or anything til I got back to school)

I don't know. I'm in a bit higher sprits now than I was an hour ago. I have plenty of time to improve myself in the upcoming outdoor season and I look forward to reaching that potential then. I've learned alot from this experience and I will definitely carry the lessons into the future.

Don't know why I wanted to tell you all, but yeah. If you read this far, thank you and stay safe.