A little context: when I talk about a fake personality, I mean truly fake. For years I didn't even really feel human, although not in uncanny way just an almost complete absence of emotion. The first character my teenage self related to was Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, specifically the open monologue about him being an idea or an illusion. The second I really connected to was The Major from the original Ghost in the Shell, just in her disconnection from the world and even her desparation to feel anything that we see in the diving scene.

I really am better now, having started hormones and come out. That being said something I can't get past is how I don't really know how to be genuine, especially without others feeling like I'm a completely different person. I really don't come off as fake, I tell people that my personality is probably a complete farce and they vehemently tell me that's not so. The person they know always has a clever thing to say, but is very empathetic and is a good listener. The second thing is probably closer to my real personality: but I am notorious for making jokes during lectures and getting into loud arguments with conservatives. What happens when I go to my campus and barely say a word? I'm worried people are going to be worried that something is seriously wrong, or that my friends will be hurt by my sudden change in personality. I'd like to make it clear that I get literally no pleasure for being the larger than life person, it's not me but I feel like I'm betraying my friends. Most of them aren't outwardly confident like I am and they really do look up to me in some ways with regard to that. People like the fake me, even trust him and see him as someone they can look to for advice.