I'm a very spur of the moment person. I don't plan things ahead of time because I know chickening out is just in my nature. So today, out of the clear blue sky, I decide that it's time for my grandparents to know that their grandson is actually their granddaughter. I have been dreading this moment forever. The moment i most likely lose their respect and possibly lose the relationship I've had with them since I was born.

Grandma always called me her strong man. I always held doors open for her, carried her groceries into the house, volunteered to work at the charities she participated in at her church.

My grandpa called me his brother. He has two actual brothers but we were really close. We went fishing, we watched sports, I helped with his garden and changed tires with him.

These two have been a second set of parents for me. I learned so much from them. I owe so much to them. For so long I've felt a crushing nauseating guilt over decieving them. I love them both so much. I only just moved out of their house and out of state a year ago. Words can't express how important they are to me. I knew they loved me but I was so afraid of their reaction and the fallout of me coming out.

I expected rage. I expected tears. I expected yelling and screaming from my conservative catholic grandparents. I expected them to reject, to hate, to dismiss. In a way, what I got was worse.

My grandparents were more calm than I've ever heard them when recieving "bad" news. My grandfather said he was very dissapointed and that he in good consience couldn't support it. He asked me to go to church again, which I agreed to do. I told him it wouldn't change anything but he still wants me to go again anyway. My grandmother barely spoke. She said I was her strong man. She told me I could still change my mind. I told her that wasn't going to happen. She said she still didn't want to tell anyone (a big deal given her love of gossip).

I told them I loved them. My grandfather said that he would be praying for me. I told him that I still wanted to be a part of their lives and for them to be a part of mine. He agreed but his voice betrayed his words. I don't know where it goes from here. I know things will never be the same. I know that I'll never be the strong man or the brother again. Hopefully one day they can see me and accept me as a strong woman and a sister, or at the very least, a granddaughter.

Sorry about the rant. I feel empty and cold and can't stop crying. I feel a weight off of my shoulders but now it's moved into my chest. This was the last step I had to take before I could come out to everyone else I know. I wanted, no, I needed them to know first. Soon everyone else will know the real me. Hopefully I will still have some people when the dust clears. Hopefully my grandparents are among them.