So I've had some recent, very unpleasant experiences at work around my use of bathrooms. I came out at work as MtF nearly 2 years ago (I work as an engineer at a power station) and things went really smoothly, people starting using my new name and pronouns. HR approached me and asked which bathrooms I wanted to use, which were the female ones. They had a quick consultation with the women on site and there were no issues at all, a site memo went out saying that I was transgender and I was given permission to use the women's rest rooms.

At about the 6 month transition month I started to realize I was actually more non-binary, feminine biased genderfluid/transfeminine/agender (still havn't worked out an exact label). Basically I found the label of female or MtF to be too restrictive for me to express or explore myself fully and these days I think of transition in terms of "transitioning to myself" instead of transitioning to female. I still like presenting masculine sometimes albeit a fairly pretty/androgynous looking dude, I think that's kind of fun because people don't expect guys to look pretty in a feminine way and I feel like I'm challenging the male stereotype somewhat when I present that way (think of bishounen or genderless Danshi in Japan). Overall I just stopped giving a f@*! what gender people saw me as or what pronouns they used and instead focused on changing things that made me happy and not changing things to fit a binary stereotype. Overall my transition has been biased heavily to feminization and includes feminizing HRT, I may end up just being female maybe, but I hate feeling the pressure to pass as one and to rid myself of anything deemed "too masculine" to gain acceptance. I just want to be me.

Back then HR had an appointed diversity officer who met with me every couple of months to check I was doing ok (sadly she injured herself and had to retire). I explained to her in depth how I was living more non-binary now and how I found that beneficial in that I didn't feel as restricted or pressured to pass as female 24/7. She thought that was wonderful and understood how that would help with my stress levels. She asked if I wanted people to switch pronouns/names depending what mode I was in or if I wanted to use either male/female bathrooms depending how I felt. I explained that I am heavily feminine biased, that even my perceived boy mode is very girly and that I wanted to stick to female name/pronouns/toilets which was completely fine (and easier) from HRs point of view. Added to the fact that my coming out went to smoothly, she didn't see a need to to change anything at work and I just went on working and didn't worry much about my gender in the work place.

Flash forward two years working as a transgender person without any issues. One day an older lady at work (not HR) tells me she has some serious issues to discuss with me. She sits me down and goes on to tell me that her and other women on site had some expectation by now that I would appear and be presenting as female full time (I just wear hi vis work clothes, which are the norm for my position male or female). She told me that my appearance makes her and others uncomfortable. She also said that people had looked into my dating and social media profiles and saw that I described myself as genderfluid and that I still "dress as a man" (jeans and tshirt???). She called me a liar and demanded that I stop using the female bathrooms and that I should send out a public announcement detailing what my gender identity involves. I tried to explain to her that genderfluid/agender was my way of not restricting myself and not pressuring myself to pass, transitioning was more about me just being myself then trying to fit a stereotypical female, although I still feel I lean heavily to the female side of the binary. She continued to shut me down. She asked what bathrooms I use in public, I said mostly female but sometimes I don't feel like I pass I might use a disabled or male. She says that real women don't do that and I'm sending alot of mixed messages.

Anyway I lodge a complaint to HR, they back me up on my use of bathrooms on site (they have to not to breach their own anti discrimination policies) and they had a "talk" to the lady involved. In my complaint I outlined that this lady was basically trying to act as a gender identity and bathroom police and that her motives and behaviour were transphobic and bigoted. She has since gone on to try to rally sympathy from other staff saying that she isn't transphobic because "it's not like I'm religious or hate trans people" but she thinks I make her uncomfortable and don't belong in the female bathrooms because my gender identity is confusing. She is actually at risk of being further disciplined at work, but she is so convinced she is the victim in this. The run in has caused me alot of emotional harm, after she talked to me I sat at my desk crying and carving my wrists with a pair of scissors and even contemplated jumping from the top of the station. Even now I feel terrified any time I need to use the bathroom, which is an anxiety I never experienced before at work. It's been 3 months and I'm still getting trauma counselling because of it :(

I guess I just wanted to get peoples thoughts on this situation. Is this transphobia? I even feel slightly confused about if I am in the right to use those bathrooms given that I don't box my gender identity, but they are the binary bathroom of preference for me. In Australia there are no laws that restrict people from using any bathroom, what bathrooms people used are based on unwritten social contracts. There are anti discrimination laws in my state that protect people from being discriminated against for their transgender status. My company also has anti-bullying and harassment policies that protect people from being discriminated against because of their gender identity and HR views a transgender persons use of preferred bathrooms to be protected by this.