One of my major coping/escape mechanisms pre-HRT was masturbating often, to good and often great results. I can count on one hand the number of good orgasms I've had since starting hormones a little over 10 months ago. It's been over two years since I've been sexually intimate with another human being and have accepted that won't change any time soon, if ever, so all my exploration has been on my own.

A few months ago I switched to using a massager I have (that I bought for legitimate therapeutic massage related purposes back in the day...), which is very strong (not sure how it compares to magic wand but I suspect it's similar in power) and has a metal head that it will heat up to be fairly warm (feels good) and has two settings - a light rumble and a powerful vibration that causes my whole hand to shake while using it. I get under a sheet and use it on top, and play around with it on my clit with various vibration strengths, keeping it still at the base or moving around. Usually I end up leaving it on high on the head and then I have some kind of orgasm after a while.

Once or twice when I've really truly taken my time, play with my nipples/breasts a lot, etc. it's been like one of my better pre-hrt orgasms, but most of the time it's around the same level or slightly worse. Still feels very concentrated in my genitals, don't feel anything that I would call a "female orgasm" or whatever, I ejaculate (prostate fluid), and have a refractory period. And sometimes it's just so numb from the vibrations being too strong it's like "eh."

Is this a matter of poor technique? Poor equipment? Not being on the right dosages/levels (300mg spiro 4 mg estradiol, last blood test had 38 ng/dl T and 153 pg/ml E)/not having progesterone? Bad genetic luck?

I also sometimes masturbate in the typical old "male" way and that is a lot of build up and then a dissipation with a delayed major leakage of prostate fluid as the clit goes flaccid. I feel like it's good to do occasionally just to really make sure I'm still getting erect every once in a while to keep the material stretched out for way-down-the-road surgery, but it certainly is barely satisfying at all.

I've read tons of advice threads from people with similar sounding problems and the solution is like always that getting a magic wand type vibrator (which this basically is) leads to amazing orgasms, but it's like super mediocre most of the time. I'm also familiar with things like muffing (can't figure out how to do it and not make it hurt reliably, though I had some mediocrely nice feelings when playing around with it while learning how to tuck) and kangarooing (doesn't seem to do anything for me), and while those don't seem to work I'm very open to radically changing how I approach myself.

I've tried anal play (I own a couple aneros and a lelo billy) and it's nice but have never been able to accomplish a prostate only/non genital orgasm. The big problem is that it feels like way too much work to get started and do cleanly and the results haven't been too mind blowing, just better genital-focused "male" orgasms. I've done a lot of "work" with Aneros stuff but haven't regularly trained with it in a while - I probably will tonight as a change of pace after I workout.

I really want to enjoy my (solitary) sex life again, and am suspecting a lack of that has been having negative impacts on the rest of my life. Any advice to help?