I’ve been stuck in boymode for years and have endured so much struggles and hardship alone it seems that I can no longer convincingly stay in boymode the dilemma is I have severe anxiety and agoraphobia I struggle just leaving the house and being comfortable in my own skin without feeling very anxious for the longest time I’ve wanted to wear all the outfits I’ve dreamt about and experience make up but my anxiety self doubt and concern for my safety has impeded me from experiencing all of that

recently I’ve been leaving my comfort zone and I’ve received a lot of positive feedback from people it’s been overwhelming and has given me a lot of confidence to finally accomplish my goal of leaving my comfort zone and being comfortable being myself

a big struggle of mine is feeling comfortable waking in public without experiencing panic attacks the stares creep me out and make me feel extremely uncomfortable I know it’s totally out of my control but I just feel like a ugly monster and I don’t want others to look at me

being approached is my biggest fear unfortunately guys occasionally find a way to appear out of the woodwork and approach me the interactions are always awkward and anxiety inducing

I loath walking past groups of guys and walking around the downtown area the rubbernecking is a huge pill that I’m struggling to swallow living in Japan has given me so much confidence and experiences that I’ll always cherish

but it also comes with its cons e.g drunk creepy salary men and the occasional old creep it’s very difficult not to notice when someone is staring me up and down and even taking my picture! it’s a controversial issue in Japan fortunately most interactions are brief and positive most people I interact with are friendly and respectful

I don’t want anyone to think I dislike this country I totally love it and enjoy living here but everything is fast paced in the city and there’s no room for error or agoraphobia I must conquer my fears and push myself forward if I want to live my best life

for too long I’ve been stuck in boymode and a self loathing mindset hurting myself feeling lifeless ugly and worthless I can’t live like this anymore no more self harm no more low confidence and no more self consciousness I can’t control how others perceive me but I can control how I want to live my life and what I feel inside

and my heart is telling me it’s time to be free and begin living my life to the fullest instead of fear and despair I’ll be riding the high of self confidence and being my true happy self

wish me luck y’all.