So I kinda just want to share the story of my life rn. I don't really have a plan for what I'm going to say rn, so I'm just going to wing this shit. Something I'm going to preface this with: I know I'm not a good person by any stretch of the imagination. I wish I was, I try to be, but I'm not, and I'm sorry for everything I've done.

So for as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a girl. By the time I was 14, I fell into a major incel phase where I thought my feelings of wanting to be a girl was proof that "girls have life easier" or some dumb shit.

Another thing to note: I'm autistic and didn't know until this year. At around the same time my incel phase started, I could tell that I wasn't able to process/feel emotions like everyone else but didn't know why. I never had many friends, but I did have a handful at the time, the most I've ever had. I ended up catching feelings for one of my friends and asked her out at the end of the school year, she said yes and we "dated" (we were 14 so literally nothing happened, not even a hug) for 3 weeks over the summer break.

When she broke up with me, I had no idea how to process the emotions of it and started obsessing over her, and combined with being an incel, those feelings ended up taking me down a right-wing spiral and I was a fucking Nazi for 3 years. I was literally pro-Hitler and all of that shit.

I started hating myself, self harming, and tried figuring out why I couldn't process/feel emotions the way normal people could. I wrongly ended up at the conclusion that I was a sociopath and used that false conclusion to justify my self hatred.

At this point it was only like a month or two after the breakup and school had started back up again but I had lost all but one of my friends because of how creepy I was to her. I ended up sharing all of my feeling to that one friend who stayed and she reported me to the school's guidance counsellor. I see now that she was trying to keep me alive because I was openly suicidal and self harming, but at the time it caused us to have a falling out and we never really became friends again.

The guidance counsellor and I had like a 15 minute talk where I just denied everything. Later that night she ended up calling my parents who ended up just making fun of me for thinking I'm a sociopath and ended up taking my phone and reading all of what I said to both the girl I dated and that one friend. They then ended up punishing me for "lying about my feelings to my friend" by taking my phone and taking my door off it's hinges for like a week.

My parents would hit me/scream in my face whenever I did something wrong (just normal kid shit) and I've never really felt safe with my room's door open as a result, especially while I sleep. So this punishment was hell for me. I never had a single moment where I didn't feel anxious and unsafe.

A few months later, I ended up making a three more friends at school, a trans guy (who at the time identified as genderfluid and lesbian, and used she/her pronouns), a bi girl, and an ace girl. Yes, I was in the middle of my Nazi phase at the time and was very queerphobic, but I was desperate for friends and ended up convincing myself that they're "good ones."

I quickly ended up catching feelings for the trans guy, and despite knowing that he only liked girls and even fucking had a gf at the time, me being me I couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut. I told him about my feelings for him, and not just once, I probably told him like 5 times a fucking day for the next 4 months.

As for the bi girl, she also was suicidal and self harmed and I wanted to help her, but I did it in the complete wrong way. I ended up blackmailing her into not hurting herself.

For the ace girl, I didn't do anything explicitly harmful to her other than oversharing my feelings and trauma dumping on her near daily, but her parents Jehovah's Witness ended up finding out that she had a bf and pulled her out of school and took away all of her devices. I hope she's still out there, but I tried finding her about two years and couldn't find anything.

4 months later the school year was about to end and on the last day, both the trans guy and the bi girl ended up blocking me on everything. I was so confused and was trying to ask them what happened, but they avoided me all day.

A week into the summer, one of their friends messaged me saying that the trans guy was getting nightmares of me raping him every night and that the bi girl was traumatized by my blackmail.

My grades also dropped significantly that year and would continue for the rest of high school. In elementary/middle school I was a straight 90% student, in grade 9 though, I dropped to 80%, in 10 I'll drop to 70%, in 11 I'll be 60%, and in grade 12, I'll barely pass with like a 50% average.

But yeah, that was a fun year from 14-15, and that summer was the first time I genuinely contemplated killing myself, like I wanted to do it before, but that was the first time I made actual plans to. I just felt like a horrible person for what happened that past year and more than that, I felt so fucking alone.

The following school year, I ended up meeting a girl and we ended up dating for a week (and I ended up having my first kiss with her), she broke up with me because I said "I love you" after like two days (in my defense, I'm autistic and didn't know what the fuck I was doing).

I ended up meeting one of that girl's friends though and we started dating not long after. Throughout the first year she would hit me and would cheat on me with her other male friends and I didn't leave out of fear that nobody else would ever love me.

Then came COVID.

Suddenly, my parents didn't let me see her in-person anymore for the next year we dated, even after her gf was killed by a drunk driver. Ultimately not being there for her then is what lead to her breaking up for me.

I ended up getting with another girl for about 3 weeks, but we didn't really click and I instead got with one of her friends.

I "dated" that friend for months and I loved her so much but every time we were going to meet in person, she'd make some excuse for why she can't go.

Eventually due to us literally never once meeting in-person after dating for months, she broke up with me but we stayed friends for the next couple years. I didn't stop loving her though for a long time.

I ended up getting my first job at this point, at a fast food place and quickly started working full-time hours while also still in school.

In school, I was not learning anything online so I started cheating in all of my classes to pass, but my grades still went down.

Finally, when grade 12 started, I went back to in-person school, which I hadn't done since the middle of grade 10, and because I learned literally nothing in the 2nd half of grade 10 and all of grade 11, I was failing all of my classes.

Not only was I failing, but I was friendless (with the exception of that one girl I only knew online) and bullied, and it fucking hurt. I had been bullied my whole life, but it used to just be people calling me gay, antisocial, and shit. Now, when I'd sit next to someone at lunch, they'd get up and leave with either not saying anything or asking why I can't find somewhere else to eat.

On New Years that year, that girl I dated for like 3 weeks that I never really clicked with had nobody to celebrate with cause all her friends were out of town so she ended up inviting me over.

It started off fine but after a few hours (at this point she wasn't drunk but was tipsy and I hadn't had anything). I put my hand in her pants and tried kissing her. She was a virgin at the time and froze, I could tell she was scared but I didn't stop.

She didn't say to stop but she pushed my hand away, so I asked if she wanted it. She didn't say no, but she didn't say yes either, so I kept asking until she eventually said that we can do it later.

A few hours after that, she got really drunk and I still hadn't had anything and we started to do it again, but this time she was the one who started it.

I had my hands in her pants and under her shirt, and we were making out for a bit and she asked me have sex with her and I said no cause she was too drunk, but she kept asking me until I left (I never did that but what I did is still very clearly assault because I kept asking even though she didn't say yes and because of how drunk she was).

She later told me that she only drank as much as she did so that she'd be comfortable doing it with me and that it was her plan all along and was her reason for inviting me.

No-matter how you spin it, even though we never had vaginal sex, I assaulted her, and for that I am and will be a horrible person for the rest of my life. Just remember this for later, cause I deserve everything that happens and I do not deserve your pity.

Anyways, back to school, I ended up dropping out and taking my classes online, where I again cheated but ended up passing and graduating.

Then came time for finding post-secondary education. Growing up, my parents would always tell me that "university is for smart people and college is for stupid people." But with my grades, I could only make it into a local college, but out of shame I told everyone at my work that I was going to a university.

I ended up failing all of my college classes because I'm too fucking stupid to go to the place where the stupid people go. My parents were also not happy (to be clear, I paid for the classes), my mom's reaction was to slap me and I kicked her away in self defence and as a result my dad pinned me down and punched me in the face over and over again while yelling at me that I should never hit a woman.

I ended up so fucking bruised from that that I was told by my boss that I could go home early and rest and that I don't have to come in the next day (which I obviously didn't want because my work was the place I felt safest at the time).

I started taking my college classes online and was able to pass some of them (because of cheating).

For the past several years at this point, I had been catfishing people as a girl online. Usually I just had one-off conversations, but at this point I ended up joining a small Minecraft server as a girl. I eventually had a falling out with everyone there because my autistic ass can't tell when I'm being annoying until it's too late. But it felt really good in the couple months it lasted.

Shortly after, I joined the community for a shitty Star Wars game as a girl, which also felt really good.

Then I started coming out to a few people. That ex gf who I stayed friends with's response was "sir, being transgender is a mental illness where men think they are women, you don't have that."

My mom's reaction was worse. To start, she told me that she wants me to go to see a psychologist to "find out what the real issue is, cause I know you aren't trans. There were never any signs." So I ended up taking back my coming out to her for like a month before re-coming out and drifting apart.

Around now is when my work environment gets worse. I start being sexually abused on a near-daily basis. Most of it are just comments like "bend over" and shit, but sometimes people grab my ass/chest (I do not have breasts yet, they would just pinch my nipples and shit).

A few months later, I'm able to get a doctor's appointment after like 2 years of looking and get prescribed Cyproterone with a follow-up appointment 2 months later for me to start E. My mom then outs me to my dad.

At this point I come out to everyone else in my life, and the sexual harassment at work gets worse.

I start failing my online college classes too.

I meet a guy in that community and we hit it off and play games together for months, but he eventually tells me that he thinks that I'm "stupid," "weird," "delusional," and "schizophrenic" for being trans and later blocks me.

I then meet two other trans girls from within that Star Wars game who become really close friends to me and I start dating one of them. It was my first time dating someone as a girl.

I love her so fucking much. She made me feel safe. She made me feel special. She made me feel like I could be myself with her. She made me feel like I don't have to be afraid of telling her things. She made me feel like a real girl. She made me want to love myself. All of these were new feelings for me that I never had felt before.

Apart from a few abusive comments from my parents like "I don't get why you want to be a girl, you know you're going bald, right?" I was doing better, I was really trying to love myself, and I was making progress. I was also making progress in trying to move out.

Then my parents force me to cancel my appointment to start E and I tried to kill myself but just couldn't go through with it.

Then I was kicked from the Star Wars game's community for being too political (being overtly pro-trans).

A couple weeks later/last week my parents took my phone (I'm an adult and I own it), took away my access to the internet, and told me that I'm no longer allowed to use their car, eat their food, etc.

For reference, this is just why I need my phone (not even including the other shit), it is the only way I can access my bank/pay off my credit card, only way I can contact my doctor, I need it for my work, it has an app to tell me when to take my medications, it's the only way I can contact any of my friends or the support groups I'm in, I'm in the process of moving out and need my phone to do so, etc.

I felt so fucking defeated and alone cause I didn't have any way to contact my gf, my friend, or any of the support groups I was in, that I attempted suicide.

I've tried to do it so many times before but just can't ever grow the balls to do it. This time though, I cut my neck (missed the jugular) without even thinking about it.

But hey, I lived. This was a setback, but I still have my gf and my friend who can support me through this. I'm close to being able to move out...

Today I was told by every landlord I applied to (at least the ones who didn't leave me on seen) that they decided to not go with me.

Then my gf broke up with me because she found someone else.

I don't blame her, I know that I am a struggle to be with and I want her to be happy, but this fucking hurts. it fucking hurts so fucking much.

But yeah, I tried.

I tried so fucking hard to be happy and I lost.

I don't want/need people to "support" me, pretend like they give a fuck about me, or pretend like I'm actually a good person. Tbh I don't even know why I'm making this post, I just am.