Why can't that happen to me???

Why can't I have a weird curse that gives me a cis girl body when I kiss another girl, or like meet a group of Witches on Halloween who take me in and give me the good bod???

Why can't life imitate fiction??? Why do all these things have to fantasy????

God I feel soooo dysphoric.... I don't feel like a girl... I feel like I'm just faking it.... I don't feel good enough. I do not feel welcome to my Queer support groups cause I am Autistic and they treat me poorly or just ignore me all together cause I'm too weird... I have NO ONE...

I am all alone in this battle... my family is mostly supporting, but they keep pointing out flaws of mine that I can't control! Well I can control, but honestly, the depression makes me not want to shave...

I just spent 20 minutes in the shower - I am now probably going to get yelled at for using too much water - to shave my body. It did not go well. I missed a bunch, and it just didn't help...

The Dysphoria is soooo bad right now... I just want to be a girl! Why is that so hard to ask???? I am also jealous of cis lesbians... they just get to be themselves and find like minded people. All I seem to be able to find are seriously wack people. I can't even go into why they are wack, cause I'll probably get banned, but know that one of them wanted to kill me! I just want a nice GF that is regular, and who loves me in my city....

Like I said, all alone...

I just... I'm running out of steam now, and I want to curl up in my bed and hide. I have no girl clothes cause nothing fits me, I look terrible in dresses, I am too heavy, I am a mess, I don't know how to do makeup, my voice is messed up, I feel like an M-word right now, and I just am not having a good time....

This is all a rant, and I'm sorry. I once again need to scream into the void...

I feel terrible, and I wish I could just press a button and become a girl...

What's worse is my dreams are taunting me. I'm a cis girl in my dreams as of late....

I want a lot of things out of life, but they might as well be impossible...

I wish I was shorter, or less heavy if I keep my height. I wish I was cuter, I wish I was cis, I wish I was able to be loved like I have love in my heart, I wish I had better fashion sense, I wish I could do makeup, I wish I could sound like a girl, I wish for alot...

And just in case anyone's wondering, I'm 4 years on HRT. Things have slowed down, and my doctor refuses to let me on progesterone which I've heard is good for breast growth, so yeah...

I'm sorry for the rant... I just need to get it out...