TW: Dysphoria, Venting, surgery complications, and bad feelings.

Listen, I just need somewhere to scream. I don't have anyone who understands. It hurts so much...

I hate being alone. I hate it! It's so sad and lonely. I just want a nice relationship that I can actually see in my city! But that ain't gonna happen... I don't know anyone in my city. Literally NO ONE. And I doubt anyone would like a trans girl... and I SERIOUSLY doubt anyone will understand my struggles...

I've been on HRT for like 3 years now. Everything was fine! I was cruising, being Asexual, loving my body, my boobs are so nice, all the good stuff. But then, I found myself reading prose of trans women having adult fun times. And then the dream started... the oh so wonderful dreams where I actually had something different down there. I loved them... But they are nothing more than dreams... I HATE MY BODY!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!! I can't even exist now without feeling like I can feel this alternate reality me who has the right parts... I feel it. I have phantom limb for something I've NEVER had before. It drives me nuts! Why is my brain doing this???? Why is it torturing me with all these wonderful feelings of having the right parts that I now care so much about that I will never have????

I live in Ontario, and I know another girl close-ish to me who is on the waitlist for GCS. But they frigged it all up. She asked for a very specific type of surgery, and they are giving her something else. They also lost her papers or something and filled it in wrong. My Doctor did too for my name. I am afraid of surgery... I don't want it to mess up and I just die or something. I briefly dated another girl who said she almost bled out in her wife's car from her stitches popping. That scares me!!!! And my family will SURELY make a fuss if I all of a sudden want surgery.

I am hurting so bad cause I want ti have the right parts. I want to have the right parts and I just want to be a cis girl. I hate my body. It was liveable for about 3 years, now it's not... I am hurting so much... if I was a Cis Girl, maybe I'd have better luck actually finding a partner. It seems nobody wants me...

I am living in a world of books and comics where trans girls get magically turned into cis girls and live happy lives with various knky shenanigans happening in between. I want that! I want to have a normal sx life. I want a normal relationship! I hate my body and I hate being me. I hate everything about me. I hate my voice that I TRIED to work on, but my Mom told me it was too fake sounding. I hate my big body, I hate my hair, I hate my thing. I hate all of it... The only good thing is my face and my chest. That's it...

I want to go into my stories I read and write where these magical transformations are possible. I hate it here. I really do... I want to be a Baby Witch who gets turned into a girl by her aunt, or a Succubus who doesn't know she is one, or fall into a cursed spring, or contract some nano-virus that turns me into a girl, or get "cursed" by a Witch cause my sister thinks I'm trans and is right, or some other various magical and amazing thing that makes me happy with myself. I want to have all these things happen to me! But they won't. Cause this is reality. And reality is so painful...

I have a curse... a curse of creativity. I make all these Universes that I want to live in, and I pray and wish I can go to them, but I never do... I should really learn God doesn't work that way. He sure didn't when I asked him to make me a girl...

I have so much pent up energy and feelings... I don't knownwhat to do about them... I hate my body and I don't want to do anything with it... I am stuck in a loop of pain...

This post is getting long and it's all nonsense... I just need to get my feelings out... I feel a lil better typing it out, but it still hurts so much...

If you need me, I'll be writing some story about a trans girl who gets granted her ideal body by a mermaid...

Good bye for now.