When I look at the facts it feels like coming out to my family should be a pretty straightforward thing without much to worry about: While I've never had an outright conversation about exactly what my father thinks of transgender people, I do know that he and most of my family are pretty politically progressive and accepting such that I don't think there's much of a realistic chance that my coming out ends up being that messy. God knows I've had enough times when my lack of a girlfriend has caused family to subtly imply that they think I'm gay and that if so they're accepting of it. Even if there was a bad reaction to my coming out, I'm a fully independent professional in my 30s and would not be in any kind of real danger or risk my living situation like many younger folks worry about when coming out to parents or family.

So why is it that despite all of this when I think about sitting family members down and coming out as transfem I find the idea just unthinkably embarrassing!? It wasn't like this when I came out to my friends, I mean sure that was kind of stressful and scary but it was never like this. It's like I've spent my life playing this very particular role of a quiet stoic masculine guy around family members for so long that there's this version of myself that I know they all conceive of when they think of me, and the idea of shattering that perception to reveal the woman I am/want to be underneath it is just...embarrassing. Like I won't be able to bear the shame of it once they know.

But at the same time I feel that I NEED to come out to them sooner or later, and until I do I'll always have this looming hurdle to overcome before I can live freely and openly as myself rather than treating my transition as some dark secret to hold from everyone. I just want to be proud to be myself and to do so around some of the people I've known the longest in my life, yet when I actually think about doing so my brain just sabotages and undermines any bit of confidence I've built up so far.