Hi I'm Luna Fiona Antiqua (u/Careless_College9166 - Phone Account) and I am your local dragon girl :3

(The Dragon part is important, I swear)

(This is gonna be unorganized so bear with me, I am just shaken up)

I am 21 and have been the biggest, most oblivious egg since I was 10yo. (It started with anime [Ranma1/2], and since then I kept telling me and other school mates that, if I could have a button to just become a girl, I would.)

However my brain did not think I wans trans, because honestly I didn't know HRT/ Gender Affirming care existed, or other trans folks tbh. I just found out at the later stages of my 19's when I met the first trans person in my life, which lead me to scour r/traaaaaaaaaans to just understand them better. Yeah it took me like a month until, I spontaneously gave myself a different name in a Goggle Docs out of impulse, and just went with it. Since then I basically instantly socially transitioned, moved across the country, declared my parents as dead (for myself), and moved in with my now very loving partner of 2,5 years.

(Not needing to say, my parents were not happy at all, I just finished ABI (the thing before Uni), was already socially anxious (I didn't come out of my room when anyone was there or awake, basically didn't eat at all), but I never took shit from other people so I just cut out the people I already didn't liked from my life (I tend to be very drastic and Extreme))

My dysphoria kinda started when I gained hope, of something I always dreamed of but never knew of the possibility, and I just became worse and worse and worse with time.

I adopted all kinds of Body image issues, I never had an ED (Although I liked to starve myself for a whole week while I was a Teen just out of fun, just to prove That I can and that I have the will power to just dominate my body (Seeing my body just a tool, that should submit to me was always the case)), but I also kinda just looked like a corpse, because I couldn't eat most of the time, as I didn't want to leave my room at all. But my weight actually spiraled kinda into the other direction now, as my partner kept telling me that my full checks make me look more femininely and that they like the look of me looking alive.

I have to say this upfront but my partner is very very supportive and tries their best to help and support me and would never say something to make me feel bad about my body, without warning after I press what is on their mind. I also regularly talk to them about my issues and insecurities, I also did with a Therapist, but talking to others never helped me, being known doesn't help me, only change does

But yeah everything has just become worse over time, problem being that I am very self transphobic, and cant stop thinking things, " I just wanna be real" or "Why do I even need to do all of this to just be myself", "I have missed out on so much, that I can never gain back", "What's the point, I will never reach my goal anyways".

To survive my teen times, I have to make myself belief that there is another world waiting, a prefect world. I needed this for hope, of another chance, of working in this world, to get a chance at a better one. But this whole thing came crumbling down on me. Because now in my bad times, I cannot stop but to think "Why even bother, if there is something so sweet waiting anyways" Me and my partner are also mentally ill enough and obssed enough, to commit the unalive the moment the other one dies, just to be with them again (We stan Homura Akemie btw. xD). So It just doesnt really feels like there is point living in a world that wants to see me dead, a world where I cannot be free, a world where I cannot be me, I Rather am not, then what I am right now. However Suicide is not an option, solely because of the reason that my partner is not ready yet, I just love them too much to leave early, and take their time away form this universe, even though they also hate it alot. But even my never ending love, slowly gets overshadowed by my wish to be me and no one else.

And I know that being a girl is more than optics, Its a maidens heart, I believe that for me (rarely) and others (always, my transphobic thoughts are only centered about my being alone, everybody else is perfect and vaild, you know the stik)

But know that I started HRT (DIY [3mg E-Hemihydrate-Sublingual 25mg Cypro; daily], I take a recommended dosage, so it shouldn't be menopausal symptoms, but I'm gonna try blood works, or just up my dosage in a few months just to be safe) 2-3 months ago, and things are changing about my biological structure (which makes me happy) but not only is my timeline weird (compared to others, I will elaborate*), but also for the last 3 weeks, whiteout a night missing, I have been balling my eyes out, and my hopes are getting crushed more and more.

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* I listened and read up on timelines from other people, and while I am not concerned that my transitions isn't working, it feels weird compared to others. I heard that breast growth starts like after 3-6 months earliest and hurts, but for me it basically started in the first month, though not much, there is growth, my biggest change are the nipples though, they hurt from existing sometimes and are larger and very sensitive to stimuli, but my breast itself doesn't hurt yet, only when It gets squeezed to much.
I haven't lost any Labido yet, tbf I have been a kinkly slut since I could think, but that It didn't go down at all is kinda concerning. Although getting wet (hard) got much harder, and I can barley hold it for long (Yes we keep using it atleast 2-3 times a week), I also think my cum did become more fluid, less tasting, and less. As Sex and orgasms are a big thing for me to feel as a "proper" girl, I am currently training to achieve a real orgasm and not an ejaculation, with the hopes of multiples in one session. My body odor definitely changed already, And like I said, way more emotional and hopeless, with less care for my body (I am under the hope that If I fuck my skin/body enough up, that space magical girls will come, and to funny magic, its the only hope for this universe). But yeah not being able to have "proper" lesbian sex fucks with me alot, I just wanna be able to have multiple orgasm and being able to finger each other while laying across each other, that is just part of what I need to feel whole and not having that is agonizing. And Yes I know Bottom surgery is a thing, but 2 thing. 1. Getting access to that is really hard for me. 2. I know what the process is like, I know the healing process, and i know there is no guarantee, becoming basically disabled for 2-3 months doesn't sound like fun, I rather take the easy route out hint hint. [but yeah some feedback to my timeline would be appreciated, it just feels off, compared to others]

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Now that I am on HRT after basically instantly transitioning there isn't that much more to do (We ignore Voice training, its hard and I try my best to do It every so often, right now, 2-4 a week in the sense of singing Mili songs. had a year break tho...) Knowing that all I can do will not amount to what my picture, my essence is, is devastating. And here it comes; Me me scary crystal dragon. And yes that is as much part of my image of EGO as my woman hood. Knowing that I cannot achieve my Dragongirl status no matter what I do, is really crushing. Sure I try to live it out in Pathfinder and my partner helps but in the end nothing helps. Words from others never reached me. As much as my partner tries to help and affirm, it does nothing to my inner "truth" about myself, nothing but the words of a person, they simply cannot phase me. And that is sad, I love them and I really like that they try to help, but even if they mean it fully, in my head it just rings hollow, nothing can change what I think I am, and the only way of becoming what I am, is not in this world.

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My only hobby is to play video games and manga, with the whole reason to flee from this reality just a bit longer, but then night hits. My (presumably) narcolepsy and sleep anxiety arrive, I cannot sleep, If I try I cry and am scared, I lose myself in hyper vivid dreams, no in nightmares, multiple a sleepcycle.

There is no real job I wanna do, I don't wanna have any responsibilities, I don't wanna save the world from climate change and transphobia, just to sink into capitalism that steals my freedom. I don't want kids, there are now dreams left. I only wanna be, be myself and only do what I want, when I want, all that together with my partner. If I cannot have that, then what is the point? Keep living for livings sake means nothing to me, if I cannot realize me and my EGO. I see value in life's for life's sake, just enjoying yourself, growing and learning while being utterly free (within the boundary of not hurting others). I don't care for a world that doesn't house that, some might say, but it that world you imagine is true then, just live this life and try to find happiness while waiting for bliss. And that might me technically optimal, as there are no guarantees, but other than for my partner, there is no joy, or hope, and while I am a masochist, living a life in this world, is not worth anything.

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Honestly I don't know why am writing this, I wont feel better having shared myself, its not a cry for help, as help for me doesn't exist in this world (At least in a way that would be substantial). I think at least that everything anyone here could say to me, was already said to me by myself in an attempted to rationalize my thoughts a bit and drift away from my emotional mess, but in the end there is nothing but me trapped in my own "Truth" that no logic or emotion can break (So far at least). I have mostly given up on everything, with just some "Illusions" remaining. But everything that helps me extend my displeasurable time here is worth the thought, if just to gift my partner some more time before I break.

Also this should be obvious by now but, stepping over a persons freedom, just to force your ideals onto them, in forcing them to live, is absolutely disgusting to me. Nobody decides over your life but you alone, that includes death.

But yeah I hope I stabilize in my emotions a bit again in the next few weeks or months (I had to cancel so many appointments and Pathfinder sessions). I hope that my bodily progression is at some point good enough to support my life. And I hope that others don't have to suffer as much as me, and maybe who know, maybe there is a person out there that can give me perspective I didn't had yet, that will enlighten me, just maybe. Maybe this also just helps others to not fall into the same pitfall as me, and maybe can learn something about their own thinking, but please don't hope for wonders or other worlds, if its isn't absolutely necessary to survive, they will haunt you.

Hope is a bitch, just like me.
It's necessary to live and prosper, but let it think unreachable and it shall be your downfall.

Thank you for reading? I hope nobody gained new issues through this.

-Just your local dragongirl Luna Fiona/Fiora Antiqua :3