I grew up in the south, when I moved to LA it took me a full year of consideration before I could even step into the lgbt center for hormones, and once I was there, I felt like an alien. I grinned, smiled, and stared at people like they were animals at a petting zoo, as to let them know "I'm not one of you".

Flash foward, and I've spent 4 years of my 5 year transition still in "boy mode", and only just the last year did I ditch my entire boys wardrobe in an effort to always be myself..

It's been ROUGH!

I often find myself reaching for my most masculine articles of clothing, Tshirts, jackets, sweats, and still lowering my voice subconsciously if I feel that I'm being perceived as male. Or else I worry strangers think I'm failing at "playing pretend". I do this more often now that I've been forced to move to the south, even though I'm desperately trying to get back to CA.

Not to mention my Mom has already told me she "won't have the time to take care of me" if I get the surgeries done, so I shouldn't do them. Toppled with her preaching these surgeries won't change my life and suddenly make me popular and lovable in other words.. because that's what she believes they are for.

But I'm wondering if me denying myself these big surgeries, like breast augmentation, or only considering ffs if I can tell my surgeon to do "minor changes", a form of self hate/transphobia?

I grew up feeling very much that all the fake plastic bodies of Hollywood are disgusting. As I aged, I began to see that it's fine, they should "just tell people what they've done so they don't set unrealistic standards". But if I Really think about it, a cis woman who already has all of these things and is actually enhancing them, and that isn't the same thing as a trans woman getting some of these things (hips, and visible breast) for the very first time.. is it?

It's rare a cis woman will be genuinely mistaken for a male without surgery, and begin to spiral, like a trans woman may, so how can it be the same thing? And if that's really the case, why am I, as a trans woman, walking into these surgeries with the same mindset as if I'm a cis woman?

I hardly even allow myself to ponder these questions because I quickly get myself too hooked on the fact that these surgeries are Risky! And my poor people's insurance seems to Only recommend me the sloppiest of the sloppy, but even then, even with a proper surgeon, all I can think of is, what if I die, or they botch me!? My self esteem is already in the gutters.

But now I'm wondering, is all of this self enforced negativity just a way of denying myself happiness?

After 29 years on this earth, 5yrs of hormones, and 1 severe case of social anxiety later, there's 1 thing I can honestly say, and it's I can't keep going on like this anymore!!!!

Doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results,... insanity!

I'm back in "boi mode" and in the south again, and anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm Depressed.. Severely! I don't even have to tell them.

I did have one brief stint at being "passable", I had pretty hair that covered half my face, I wore a mask as it was during covid times, and I felt mighty confident! Guys wanted me, women felt comfortable around me, it was a good times, that Didn't last for long!

I struggle with knowing who I am seeing as something as pivotal to my own existence, such as my gender identity, can be dropped/kicked/taken from me in the blink of an eye after a semi successful year of fighting for it! And if oight So Hard!!! I don't want to fight anymore!

Id love to wake up, and have everyone else see me for who I am, without always having the pressures of spending hours in the mirror, simply with hopes of being called a she again. That or feeling terrified of taking off my mask. I want to be happy with who I see in the mirror. I want a happy social life!

Something is keeping me from going outside as often as I should, and I believe the problems are based around my gender identity and people's perception of me.

I just don't know what I should do!