We live in a society where people, regardless of identity, are expected to adhere to one of two gendered ideals. One box demands that masc-presenting people need to look a certain way, and the other demands the same of femme-presenting people: two rigid ideals, with an accompanying set of stereotypes, that leave very little room for self exploration, and actively punish those who deviate from them with social ostracization and the implication that you must be ashamed of your inability to conform.

The very concept of 'passing' is harmful, and has lead to non-white people being put in danger solely because they do not fit into the euro-centric boxes laid before them. This is why so many of the untimely deaths in our community are black nonbinary/trans women. It is, simply put, often very easy for white and white-passing trans individuals to fit in with these aforementioned ideals and stereotypes because, by default, they were created for people who are white and white-passing. Furthermore, while adhering to these ideals is a means of survival for many of us (especially considering that many of us turn to sex work in order to make ends meet), doing so is not living. Merely surviving is no way to live, and perpetuating the idea that we must pass in order to be accepted and happy only places further, unnecessary suffering onto people who cannot reach those lofty goals (often times due to economic instability).

We are, of course, not the only minority group who is affected by these often unachievable standards. For instance, middle eastern and Mediterranean women tend to seek out nose jobs to rid themselves of a distiguishing feature that is considered by society at large to be "unfeminine"; a large portion of these same women end up regretting these nose jobs, both because many of them suffer botched procedures and/or regret losing a defining feature that they eventually learn to love. In that same vein, black women often become the targets of violence and discrimination, particularly in sporting events and public restrooms. Not to mention that these ideals are constantly shifting, and up until quite recently, an exaggerated hourglass figure was "en vogue"; a figure that, quite often, is not naturally achievable due to how uncommon an hourglass figure actually is (there are way more pear and apple shaped bodies out there). In fact, due to this, even cis women who, at one point, had a body type that was considered the 'right' one or act/dress in a way they prefer in order to comfortably express their femininity, often find themselves the targets of misogynistic abuse at the hands of other women who see it as their duty to shame and police each other for not conforming to the beauty standards and gendered stereotypes that they see as right and proper.

When applied to the trans community, we tend to do exactly that: we police ourselves and each other in order to better 'pass'. We rush to online spaces and seek opinions from our trans siblings on what's wrong or right about our faces, bodies, hands, feet, butts, boobs, etc. We give unwanted criticisms, we compare and contrast our figures with the figures of others, we stand at the mirror and envision ourselves cutting pieces away from our bodies and faces, trying to decide what should stay and what should go, what is okay and what isn't; we undergo risky surgeries that are often illegal in our home countries in a neverending quest to make our bodies 'just right', hoping, praying, begging that, at some point, we'll be able to look at ourselves and be proud, and that society will finally accept us. We predicate our right to exist and to transition on whether or not our bodies are 'salvageable', we say "it's too late for me" when we find even the smallest flaws, and we hate ourselves and tear ourselves apart at the seams as if we must pay penitence for not looking or acting good enough. We force ourselves into clothes we don't like, to wear shoes that hurt, and to change our mannerisms and our appearances not to please ourselves, but to please the prying eyes of the vultures circling overhead, watching and waiting for us to falter, to slip, to make one wrong move, so that they can dive on us and pick our skin from our bones, while our siblings march ever onward, avoiding our gazes and our pleas so that they might continue forward without risking the way they themselves are being percieved. "Perfection, we must have perfection," we chant, abandoning those of us who can't keep up, leaving them to the vultures and whispering, "it's their fault, they should have tried harder."

The concept of passing is one of perpetual, self-induced pain and torture. It predicates our ability to survive and be accepted on how we look, rather than on our humanity and individuality. It pushes trans children into developing eating disorders, creates a cycle of body dysmorphia that cannot end until we look the concept in the eye and say "enough". And that's what we must do. Enough is enough. We do not need to pass to be happy. We do not need to force ourselves to adhere to what we aren't comfortable with just because society tells us to.

This essay is not one of despair; let this light your inner fire. Use it as kindling to ignite your love for yourself and those around you. Stand up and say, "I am done", and start finding the things about you that you love. Emphasize them, focus on them, and soon you'll find more. And if you need a surgery for your own piece of mind, or if you need to do voice training to make yourself feel at peace, then by all means do it. You are not irredeemable if you need those things, you're allowed to want them. The only thing you need to ask yourself is,

"Am I doing this for me? Or for someone else?"