im a cis "female" and i want to transition to male. i detransitioned 4 times because living as a woman, i just am unable to feel happy. i felt happy living as a man even though i dont understand it. logically, i think "well i think women are more beautiful and usually more fun and smart so why tf do i feel happier living as a man?" i dont get it. i just feel more at peace and comfortable that way even though i find myself less attractive and people in general are slightly less kind to me.

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a lot of people are advising me to get off T so thats the main reason i detransitioned 4 times. but i want to go back on T.

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youre probably wondering why im posting this in a mtf forum. well i am unable to feel happy as a woman. so i just thought id ask people who actually do feel happy as women, what they think i should do. the pressure for me to stay off testosterone is really high. and even i myself dont underestand why i feel happy and at peace on T but miserable without it. what should i do?