Plans had been made earlier in the week and she just stopped responding. I'm tired. Somedays exhausted.

Physically I am very tired. I have a lot going on with work and my social life that is all building up to a couple events in the near future. Prepping for that while living my normal life has me burning the candle at both ends. Specifically, I was out in the wilderness camping for work yesterday. We had something happen unexpectedly last night which kept us up till about 1am, and then up again at 4am to start working again. I got home not too long ago. I'm dirty, sore, and so sleepy (which seems to always make me want to be cared for and curled up with Mommy).

Emotionally, I am very tired. I have been single for a while after my last long term relationship. I was with someone for over two years who had a lot of trauma from a past relationship. I mean serious trauma. Early in the relationship, I didn't really notice anything. It didn't affect me (so I thought) and we had amazing chemistry. However, the trauma slowly leaked into our relationship and I developed pretty bad anxiety and depression, both of which I had never experienced. Ever since, I've been apprehensive to get serious again.

I have had some dates since, but nothing that stuck or made me feel comfortable. But I have been so lonely recently. And being that I am in my early/mid-30s and not getting any younger, I have been making an effort to try and go on more dates.

I live in a small town with not a ton of young people, so online dating is the only real viable option. I think I'm a pretty good looking dude, not a model but attractive, not shredded but in shape, pretty funny/easy to talk to. But matching with someone, coming up with a good opener, and then keeping the conversation going beyond one liners is so tiring. I've had so many matches who once I ask legitimate questions about who they are, what they do for work, what their hobbies are (I would be traveling decently far to go on some of these dates so I want to make sure you're an adult before wasting time and money), ghosted. 98 times out of 100. And I get it, most of these people are doing it for the attention and tons of matches a day, so why not just be a part of the 'exciting' conversations. But I am mentally worn out and so defeated.

And the cherry on top was today. I was supposed to go on a date with someone I had been talking to, I made the plans earlier in the week, went to confirm Friday...nothing. Checked in yesterday...nothing. Made the reservations anyway, maybe something was happening. Went to figure out if it was actually happening this morning...nothing. So I canceled the reservation.

Even on Reddit, when I've looked for people to talk to recently, the conversation lasts for a couple hours/a night at best. There's been many people who have messaged me, seemed interested, have good conversation back and forth, and then disappear.All of this just makes me so tired...

The irony is that makes me crave having someone so much more. It makes me want to run to Mommy. Be held in her arms. Have her hands through my hair, lightly scratching my back. Curled up in her chest, feeling warm in her soft embrace. Having her whisper in my ear how much she loves me. How shes so proud of her little boy.

And it also makes me want to be her dirty little boy. My favorite thing about having a Mommy is the combination of soft, gentle, caring, nurturing love mixed with devious, kinky, taboo sex. And boy do I need Mommy.

I am hoping this post reaches the right person, someone who may be feeling the same but is looking for their little boy. I know it's like finding a needle in a haystack, but you'll never find it if you don't look right? If not, this was at least a good outlet to release some pent up frustration.

I hope to hear from you soon Mommy, I've been waiting for you for a long time...