Picture this -

You wake up at 4:30 am get yourself ready for work, then proceed to start to wake up your 4 children . You take your handful of medication ( hormone pills , adhd meds )

You get your 9 month old ready, then have to bribe the 6 year old and 11 year old with a stop to the corner store for treats so they will get ready. Your 16 year old is already rehearsing how she doesn't feel good and wants to stay home mean while the 11 year old is screaming she can't find socks and slamming shit around

By now it's 7 am dad leaves with 9 month old to drop him off at daycare on his way to work ( and even on his days off ) . You drop off the 6 year old and 11 year old to before school care . You get multiple calls from the 16 year old still attempting to stay home from school , they're relentless but you don't give in remembering how you wish you had some one to push you in your education.

You finally get to work , work your ass off , you are responsible for over 100 employees, they all have your phone number and are constantly calling /texting mostly unimportant shit .

It's Friday so you were just paid , you go and pay on your credit cards your in debt with from your childrens Christmas, birthdays , birthday trips etc. Half your check is gone.

But it's Friday and Saturday is your one day off so you're excited , go to the grocery store get dinner for tonight and something to throw in the crock pot for the next day and some snacks for the kids maybe a movie night. $90 bucks

Pick up the 9 month old from daycare then the 11 & 6 year old from after school care and they're already fighting and pissed off. 16 year old is just getting home. The 6 year old is crying for the 16 year Olds phone immediately, she refuses to look for her own tablet . 16 year old is hiding in the bathroom to avoid being asked for help.

I attempt to make dinner , all kids laying around on phones , tablets baby's crying while I'm elbow deep in raw chicken I'm preparing. Asking for help from the older kids and finally after huffing puffing " ommmggg " you get help from the 11 year old. After a few mins she hands 9 month old to 16 year old so she can " use the bathroom " and proceeds to go missing .

After you get dinner in the oven your forced to put 9 month old in a ms rachel trance because your run out of options and you have to wash dishes if anyone wants to eat with silverware and start laundry .

Your 11 year old and 16 year old are calling each other names shoving each other telling each other " that's why I fucking hate you " 6 year old doesn't care because she has whined her way into the 16 year Olds phone

Its 7pm dads home. Says hi to kids immediately on his phone.

Dinner is finally done . Make children plates 6 year old yelling she doesn't want dinner , 11 year old request to make a plate and put it in the microwave earlier they have just demolished an entire bag of takis . I make a plate for dad and 16 year old then myself .

Something triggers 11 year old. They're screaming , crying Tells you " shut the fuck upppp don't talk to meeeee "

I'm 2 bites into my dinner. My adhd meds have warn off a while ago, I can hear 3 phones , a tablet and the TV blaring " can you sayyy mommmmaaaa " all at the time.

16 year old and dad has finished with dinner , 6 year old didnt eat, 11 year Olds plate in microwave. Sink full of dishes , dirty plates on table, along with cups ranch bottle . Cats on the table eating your 6 year Olds food she left behind.

You look around 11 year old has finished tantrum laying on the couch , 16 year old on phone laying in bed. dads on his phone 6 year Old is yelling she wants a bubble bath 9 month old has fallen asleep .

It's 8pm

In tears, you grab your sleeping 9 month old put them to bed . And lay down in your bed. Leaving behind the one meal you attempted to eat that day.

8:45

Dad must of noticed you were gone comes in and says " oh your going to bed ? Why do you have an attitude ?" Then goes back to the living room to have a drink and play on his phone.

You cry yourself to sleep .

It's 430am on your day off. Your wide awake get up go in the kitchen to make yourself some coffee.

Sink full of dirty dishes , pans on stove. Plate in microwave

You will be spending your one day off cleaning. Feeling guilty your not doing something fun for them .

All of this while you have been hemorrhaging and in pain for 2 months from large cyst on your ovaries and fibroids , Taking hormones to stop the bleeding while you wait for sugery .

This has become groundhog day.

I'm thankful for my family, and the privilege I have to be able to provide for them...

But

I feel so resentful towards them and i hate it . I ask for help just to be ignored and dismissed. I feel used I'm on on autopilot and disassociate daily Life does not feel real Something has to give I'm so fucking tired. .

.