(for context, 26F, been living alone for nearly 3yrs now after my parents very messy divorce)
i've been battling with sobriety, although i quit smoking weed 10 months ago which i am proud of i just seemed to have replace it with alcohol. although it's not daily, whenever i feel heavy emotions i just want to drink. any human interaction makes me feel ashamed and embarassed of myself and i just want to make it go away. i haven't drank for a few days and even when i did it wasn't that much last time. i'm just afraid i can't keep it up.

there's a guy in my therapy group that says things in a mean, bitchy, commandeering way and it triggers me so much that i cry when i get home. i spoke up about this in group today which does make me a little proud of myself because i hate speaking up! it makes me feel like a whiney crybaby. the therapists and him also said it was good that i brought up how it makes me feel however they also said that it's a good thing that this is happening so i can focus on my triggers. this used to happen in the workplace a lot too where a few sharp or sarcastic remarks would make me feel bullied and hated and i would just quit my job, so there is a sense of truth in that. however i just feel invalidated and ashamed and like he's not actually that mean, i should just make myself have thicker skin.

i have some type of disordered eating which fluctuates between bingeing, orthorexia, restriction, or eating normally but feeling like i should be on a diet because i'm fat. everytime i eat i feel bad about it, no matter how big, small, healthy or junky the meal.

i need to make a couple decisions regarding finances, insurance etc. and im terrible at pulling off the bandaid because what if i make the wrong mistake, i can't be trusted with my own finances, i should just keep my social worker to do it for me (our contract is ending next month).

i told dad i didn't want to come over for christmas because the environment in that household makes me feel uncomfortable, and i need some time and space to work on myself. he yelled that i'm acting weird and therapy is making me crazy and selfish and he never hears from me anymore and im a bad daughter for not reaching out. i told him ''well this is why i don't reach out. the way you're acting right now.'' he said i'm too sensitive. my brother who lives with him also never reaches out to me and i don't to him because he simply doesn't speak, ask about my life, and when i ask about him he just says ''idk'' or doesn't respond. my dad can rot for all i care but i miss my brother, he just hates me because as children we were always pitted against each other. he doesn't see this because he still lives inside the toxicity.

i recently got back in touch with my mom after a year of no contact after she kicked me out because her toxic partner got in her head. the relationship is fine ish, but very surface level. if i try to bring up anything from the past she feels uncomfortable and talks around the subject or will shift blame onto dad, ex bf etc.

i feel like im not allowed to exist until i work through all these things, have a perfect workout chores routine, am skinny and pretty enough and can finally get a degree/hold a job.

i guess i just need some encouragement.