Hi. I'm usually on the mom side of things here so this feels weird. I love my mom so much but she doesn't understand and talking to her about this makes me feel worse. (TW FOR ABUSE)

I don't think my husband wants our kids at all. He was the one who wanted kids in the first place--I was unsure, but young and naive enough to go without protection and let fate decide. But now we have these two beautiful children, who I absolutely treasure and would do anything for, but he just...well, most of the time he avoids interacting with them at all. If I leave him alone with the kids he just sits and watches tv/Tiktoks while ignoring them. He says he "forgets" to feed them. If I demand he feeds them, he won't actually give them an actual appropriate amount of food for a child's meal--yesterday he gave one of them a small handful of chopped up baby carrots, and nothing else, for dinner. He won't get kids ready for bed so if I'm unavailable, the kids stay up until they just wind up passing out on the floor, so I have to get them to bed whenever I'm back.

Worse, anytime they're very loud--which is every day, because they're literally children--he flies into a rage and screams at them. Sometimes he'll grab them so hard it leaves bruises. He'll grab their faces so he can pull them up to his face to shout at them. He used to pick up the eldest and pin him to the wall to scream at him. His rage spells can be unpredictable and he's broken things. Once, when I threw myself in front of a child and hurried to pacify my husband, he punched a hole in the drywall. I think he wanted to punch me. He's never punched any of us before, but I wondered if I was gonna be the first to get hit that day.

I've tried so much to help him get better. And I know when I write it like this it sounds like so much abuse, but other than his yelling these things don't happen very often, and given that I started questioning my sexuality and thinking myself to be a repressed lesbian, it makes me wonder if I'm making shit up so I won't be the bad guy leaving this marriage??? But I'm telling the truth, but my mom says my dad was a crappy dad at first too and he got better, and that I vowed "til death do us part" and this isn't bad enough to give up on him. It's not like I ever wanted to give up on the father of my children! I just need my babies to be okay!