I should be proud of myself. Everything I went through didn't stop me. I'm making an amazing salary for it being my first "real" job. I am able to pay all my bills on time, I have good credit. I even pulled off multiple degrees, hell, two masters, even though I had almost all f and d in high school. I live on my own, I have a large and nice apartment in the middle of downtown, in a city that I thrive in. My job is fun and enriching to me, and I keep getting promotions, so im good at it. Even though I struggled with friendships for years and even though I grew up as a bit of an outcast I now have an amazing group of friends who I can fully trust and depend on.

But i still feel so... fragile, I guess. And lonely. And that I could be doing more.

I'm turning 29 this year and I'm not married. I've had a couple miscarriages and I'm afraid I won't be able to have kids. I didn't think I wanted kids... but... maybe I do. It broke me both times. I'm afraid of that option being gone.

And I can't seem to figure out relationships. I've had two failed engagements, one due to them cheating, the other because they essentially said they just didn't love me anymore, and didn't like who I am. I know I'm a troubled person. I understand with my deep and constant sorrow and anxiety that im... probably unpleasant for someone to emotionally support.

And now, when trying relationships, I either get my hopes top high and get burned on major disappointment, or I grow distant and grow disdainful of the person until I break it off.

I know I have a lot of relationship traumas... but have they really reduced me to this? Why can't I shake it off and just... trust the relationship?

And why do my accomplishments feel like nothing to me? Why do I constantly feel I'm still in distress, like everything will fall apart around me at the slightest misstep? I obsessively look over and plan my future and finances. I can't sleep until I've thoroughly planned every aspect of the next day, and my day feels like it's pure pure terrifying chaos when the plans change.

I feel overwhelmed. Around those same friends sometimes I still feel alone. And I can't stop constantly feeling the urge to... leave, if you know what I mean.

I just... want peace. I want to feel happy. I don't know how.