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30
Mom I really wish I had you.
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Last night I had dinner with my boyfriend and his grandma. You donā€™t know about him... youā€™d never approve and it makes me really sad because he is wonderful. Something like gender identity shouldnā€™t exclude a person from unconditional love like you say we are to try and give people. I think I love him, if Iā€™m being honest. Maybe I just love the idea of him but heā€™s teaching me how to be better and I am grateful. I learned so many toxic things from my ex... he really messed me up, mom. More than you know or will ever know.

It surprised me a lot that I didnā€™t just burst out crying at the dinner table last night. They were talking about family. Something that Iā€™m learning I donā€™t know very much about (I thought I did). When I got back to the house I broke down. It had been an anxious night, I was crawling out of my skin and I didnā€™t feel like myself. Henry walked me inside, told me to go get undressed and put something more accommodating on and lay down. I did and immediately lost control of my emotions. I sobbed like a baby, Iā€™m not going to lie. And when he came in and held me... this man rocked me. And all I could think was ā€œI want my mom...ā€ and it hurt so bad to know that I canā€™t turn to you for things like this because youā€™re not that person and never have been for me.

It was really familiar though. Youā€™ve done the same to me. Cried in my lap about missing your mom. And I finally understand what itā€™s like to miss something you donā€™t have. at least yours isnā€™t right in front of you looking attainable but completely off limits. I cried for a long time and he held me and played with my hair and told me it was okay. And I still wanted you. I will always want my mom when I feel like shit but until I can find someone to be that... Iā€™m so thankful for the people in my life who can show me kindness and love. I thank God for that blessing every day and I hope you have those people, too.

I didnā€™t even realize I was crying writing this until just now... guess Iā€™m really just not over it yet.

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Posted
4 years ago