Last night I had dinner with my boyfriend and his grandma. You don’t know about him... you’d never approve and it makes me really sad because he is wonderful. Something like gender identity shouldn’t exclude a person from unconditional love like you say we are to try and give people. I think I love him, if I’m being honest. Maybe I just love the idea of him but he’s teaching me how to be better and I am grateful. I learned so many toxic things from my ex... he really messed me up, mom. More than you know or will ever know.

It surprised me a lot that I didn’t just burst out crying at the dinner table last night. They were talking about family. Something that I’m learning I don’t know very much about (I thought I did). When I got back to the house I broke down. It had been an anxious night, I was crawling out of my skin and I didn’t feel like myself. Henry walked me inside, told me to go get undressed and put something more accommodating on and lay down. I did and immediately lost control of my emotions. I sobbed like a baby, I’m not going to lie. And when he came in and held me... this man rocked me. And all I could think was “I want my mom...” and it hurt so bad to know that I can’t turn to you for things like this because you’re not that person and never have been for me.

It was really familiar though. You’ve done the same to me. Cried in my lap about missing your mom. And I finally understand what it’s like to miss something you don’t have. at least yours isn’t right in front of you looking attainable but completely off limits. I cried for a long time and he held me and played with my hair and told me it was okay. And I still wanted you. I will always want my mom when I feel like shit but until I can find someone to be that... I’m so thankful for the people in my life who can show me kindness and love. I thank God for that blessing every day and I hope you have those people, too.

I didn’t even realize I was crying writing this until just now... guess I’m really just not over it yet.