(i’m sorry this is so long)

I do have a mom, she just admittedly “isn’t a big fan” of me. so i need another mom for just a moment.

mom i’m burying i’m close friend on saturday. 9:30am. i spent all day yesterday getting the things i need for the wake, service, and burial. mom i never wanted to do this again. it hasn’t even been a year since we buried one of my other close friends.

i’m so young. i’m not even close to approaching my mid 20’s. it seems like tragedy has a way of touching my friends group in the worst ways. we’ve lost so many friends but this just hits the hardest

i forgot to save my last funeral dress. it wouldn’t have fit me anyway, i’ve lost a lot of weight since then. trying on black dress after black dress. alone. piling things over my arm w tears streaming down my face. mom in that moment i want to drop everything and go flip my car.

instead i looked in the mirror and judged the dresses the way my own mom would. i decided on a knee length wrap dress for the wake and a black long sleeve button up dress for the service and burial.

appropriate attire but the opposite of something i’d usually wear. i feel uncomfortable in it. i love my thigh tattoos and now, even my self harm scars. but they all have to be covered at this funeral. but not the last two.

mom... i just... don’t know what to do. i don’t know who to turn to. i don’t know what’s going to happen. i’m scared for my friends. both just made it to 21.

i’m just so sad. i’m wrecked. i’m lost. i found a video of him from roughly 2014. i was in the hospital for trying to kill myself. no one was allowed to see or talk to me for 6 months. he had my mom show me short videos of him saying hi. it meant so much to me then and it means so much more now.

UPDATE: thank you all so much for the kind messages, if anyone happens to read the update too... well then thanks!

it was hard. i think it can be categorized as the worst day of my life. i cried a lot. drank a lot (21). smoked a lot. somehow we all made it through together.

the wake was in fact an open casket. this didn’t provide closure for us but maybe it did for his family, though his brother agrees w us that they should have closed it. granted, it was an OD so he looked fine but...

my friend has a twin. let’s call him S. S and i were never as close as i was w his brother. during the funeral i found out he’s struggling w a xanax addiction. my friends are making him choose “us or the drugs”. i’m sad for him.

that being said, S and i will be hanging out me, having more sleepovers, more days out... just more memories. i was addicted to xanax for a very long time and i want to at least be able to help him cut down. it really helps when you have a good friend there. we’ll be seeing each other every weekend instead of once a year.

as much as i complained about the dress, it did end up looking beautiful on me. everyone genuinely loved it. i wore it the whole day and didn’t feel uncomfortable. i’m glad that i felt okay because i was so scared i wouldn’t.

i’m wrecked over this and want to cry constantly. but i’ll get through it with the help of my friends and especially S.