-this is dictated so I apologize and can fix egregious errors later

I was molested and raped when I was younger, there's probably allot I dont remember but I had some pretty deviant kinks from a fairly young age. I even remember being home alone and for some reason I dont know why I went and put on some of my mom's panties then a bra then a dress and I snooped some more and eventually found dildos, and I can't remember when but at some point despite not finding guys sexy (like I've never desired kissing a guy) i did for some reason really liked playing with the dildo, first just touching it, such a taboo feeling probably cause it was my mom's and I'm not into her like that at all, but still the fact that it had been in a pussy and just having it out and not hidden if someone came home if be trying to take off the girl clothes and put away the dildo. And worst case what if I'm caught very young dressed as a girl with my mom's dildo in like 1998 I'd have probably had ECT But didn't stop me from actually seeing how it felt to push the cock in my mouth. It's strange again I was so confused I didn't want a man I liked girls and still love women they drive me nuts in the good way. But still I was around 7-8 when I started having memories of being molested and sodomized multiple times. Though i was in denial like no its just a random thing my brain came up with. But I also remember being very sexual starting very young and doing just really weird stuff for a kid. Like creep people out stuff at 5. And my folks also used to ask me allot about this one guy down our street they didn't like apparently I would be gone for like hours then show up and a few times they found me at his house. It escalated I dunno what happened to him. But I just know since then ive basically been preinstalled with some of the most disturbing of kinks and turn ons. I struggle with them daily because in reality I'm a kind hearted person who doesn't want to hurt anyone, I love people and in fact I counsel other who struggle with similar issues, or depression, domestic abuse, suicidal thoughts if there is a lost soul who is open to talking and just wants me to listen I'm happy to. And not to brag maybe bexause of all I've been through many are loyal and dedicated friends who fell me how much I improved their lives of helped them learn to love not hate themselves and how you can accept something you dont like about yourself and stop being so critical of yourself without encouraging or justifying self destructive tendencies. But that's for another day

Anyways that's not fhe point it's just something that can be frustrating and sometimes even infuriating to have such a polar opposite Dichotomy when it comes to sexuality, well and to some extent my sexual mindset as well.

I haven't been able to delete them all yet so feel free to sneak through my history and say I'm terrible and gross. And you're kinda right, but I can promise you that's not even close to all that I am and all that i want to be especially in how I affect the world and the people around me. I'm willing to bet that you are far more than your darkest secrets as well, I have faith that you are.