I (47M) currently struggle with sex addiction and have mentioned this experience to my therapist but always claim it wasn’t traumatic but thinking my definition of trauma isn’t correct. I don’t see it is a horrible, painful experience but I guess the trauma is the negatives it triggered in my physiological processing. In any case maybe finally admitting details will help let some of the impact go. I was first introduced to sexual activity by an older cousin while we were both visiting my grandparents. I was I think 4 when my older male cousin (10) wanted to play a game. Unable to recall the details of how he initiated but recall that on a few occasions we ended up “playing doctor” or some other excuse that lead to me being naked and penetrated anally with objects around the house accessible to kids our age. Pencils, markers, crayons, etc. never was rough snd never it recall it being painful or “forced” but recall knowing it was wrong. After a couple times doing that he moved to rubbing and pressing his penis against my ass. From memories I don’t think he was successful and I think it was a one time thing. Overall experiences only happened a handful of times. Never felt I needed to tell anyone and at the time didn’t think it was anything bad. It did lead me to play with a young female friend around the same time. Recall playing doctor with her, touching eachother and rubbing myself on her ass after he had done it to me. We were caught by our parents and both yelled at, shamed, and humiliated for what we were doing. This successfully stopped the activity but I think just caused me to repress memories and impact. Been in therapy for years and minimally discussed as I always said it wasn’t a big deal but that’s because I wasn’t admitting the true depths of the addiction and activities I was engaged in. If I’m honest I’ve been chasing that shame, humiliation, and powerlessness I felt with my cousin that has lead to encounters with men, bdsm activities with men and women, and generally unhealthy relationships with sex snd partners though most of my life. I am now married with kids snd have cheated on my wife with men and women. She had discovered on affair which forced me to reveal some of this but never the full extent. Thankfully my discretions as an adult never were directed at children but that doesn’t make them right. Struggling recently with desires to recapture the shame and hoping admitting this may finally help release the hold it’s had over me.