I don't know where to start, sorry if this post is a bit messy.

Late 30s guy here. Never been in a serious long term relationship for various reasons, this post being one of them.

I am almost sure I was molested but I have zero memories of this, and in general very little memories from my childhood. I was hypersexual as a kid, my first memory is from the age of 4-6, me and my friend (kid 1) were showing off each in the toilet but this could be just normal curiosity game. Then when I was 7 I had this friend (kid 2, M, same age) who was hypersexual and we were doing all sorts of things. This continued for a year or two. At this point I was craving for sex, both from adults and younger, visiting sex shops and chasing the excitement. At around 8 I initiated sex play with another friend (kid 3, M, same age) and we were doing it for around 5-6 years.

Sometimes I wonder where all this came from and what initiated my early hypersexuality. On a couple of occasion (in the childhood and later) I've noticed a few signals suggesting my father likes kids "more" but I don't remember him doing anything to me. Did kid 2 make me hypersexual or someone else before? Is there any way to find out?

I lived in guilt and shame especially for initiating it with kid 3 who's my friend. I know this was traumatic for him and he talked about it with his therapist but he doesn't blame me.

I lived in guilt for being turned on by my memories but have accepted it and I'm not ashamed anymore.

Now I am trying to live normal life. I never ever talked to anyone about it apart from a brief chat with kid 2.

Just needed to vent. If you read it and feel you're on the same boat, you're not alone.