Idk if the title is confusing, but it'll make sense. Big trigger warning here.

Ok so my story is, I was raped repeatedly, on and off, for a few years by a family friend when I was very young. Because of this I developed hypersexuality and sex addiction from a young age. Then as a young teen I would meet and have sex with much older adults. I did this many many times for years, until covid stopped it with the lock down. This isn't too relevant I just thought I'd explain. I have another post on my profile going into more detail if you need.

So that obviously fucked me up even more, I have extremely poor mental health, and constant flashbacks to my abuse, and regrettably sexualizing my abuse.

Many times when I'd meet up with a man or woman, more often men obviously. And most of the time when I would go to a man's house, or get in his car, or meet in the woods or whatever stupid place I agreed to, they'd show me porn. Usually we'd watch it as foreplay and leave it on when we.. ya know.. sometimes it was normal porn, but given the situation and what the man was, it was usually unconventional. And by unconventional I mean illegal. I don't think I need to explain the different types of videos I was shown.

We'd sit there and watch, while masterbating, him doing stuff to me, me doing stuff to him, et cetera. But I watched them. At the time I even enjoyed some. But now that I'm older, they are still seared into my memories. I can remember them, and they flashback into my head randomly. I sometimes have pull over my car because I can't get it out of my head. Recently I was with a guy and while we were doing stuff I got flashbacks and had to run to the bathroom and I threw up. I blamed it on the alcohol because he could never understand.

I'm left broken, with things I wish I could forget. I feel guilt and disgusted at myself for even remembering, and i haye myself for doing that when i was young. .

I'm sorry