When I watch Modern Family sometimes I get really melancholy. The idea of “family” is something I haven’t experienced in a very long time.

I’m the 8th of 9 kids. The 9 of us were made amongst 2 men & 4 women. Being that we don’t share parents theres already a divide. By the time I started middle school the first 6 kids were already adults and out of the house. My oldest sibling is 21 years older than me & I haven’t even met my youngest one yet (shes 12 I think). My siblings are estranged give or take 1 or 2. We don’t get together for special occasions or holidays. My parents divorced when I was 11 but were separated since I was 9. Mom stayed in the master bedroom while dad lived in the basement until he eventually moved out before the divorce. The foundation of my immediate family started in New York City. Right now i’m the only one still here besides my mother and son. Here’s the catch, I still have 2 brothers here but we don’t speak. I have 2 sisters in Texas, I speak to 1 regularly and a little bit to the other one. I have 2 siblings in Hawaii who I never ever speak to. As for my youngest sibling I have no clue where she is, Only my dad knows because I think he’s ashamed that he kept her a secret. Being that my siblings are so much older than me, Their kids are not that much younger than me but I don’t get to see them because we live in different states. When I visited my sister and her family around my 25th birthday they surprised with a cake & sang happy birthday. I was so moved by their effor because I hadn’t experienced that in about 13 years. I recently reconnected with my cousin who’s like a brother to me but he also lives in Texas. I haven’t had a thanksgiving dinner or had a Christmas tree since my early pre teen years. Sometimes I feel alone and isolated in NYC because I don’t have family that I can get together with within distance. I never met either of my grandfather’s. Haven’t seen my dad since I was 15 because he retired then moved back to Panama & hasn’t been back to NYC since. My extended family also live in Panama on both my mom and dad’s side, Haven’t been there since 2007. My best friends are guys I ment in the Army who are scattered around the country. I’m now 27 with a 3 year old son that I barely see because me and his mother split while she was pregnant and we can’t figure out how co-parent without hating each other. I feel like i’m repeating the cycle of not having a family now with my son.

I’m generally a happy person but when I watch Modern Family I really get filled with sorrow. They live a life that I wish I could live with my family if we actually operated as one. I wrote this because it’s something I felt for years but never actually shared it in detail with somebody.