Event Type: Campaign Launch

Party: Independent

Campaign: General Assembly

State: Central

A crowd of reporters and supporters have gathered at St. Louis’s Gateway Arch awaiting an announcement from /u/IGotzDaMastaPlan that has been expected for months. /u/IGotzDaMastaplan emerges, and walks up to a small platform, waving. The crowd emits some light cheering and clapping.

“Good afternoon. I would like to first announce that I will be running for the Central State Assembly as an independent.”

The crowd is noticeably excited at this prospect.

“We stand on the banks of the mighty Mississippi which divides our country geographically, and I find that our country is divided politically. Unfortunately, I find that I cannot support either side. The Republican Party regularly falls to nationalist and alt-right ideals which I oppose with all my heart. The Democratic Party, meanwhile, has fallen so far it has merged its party with the likes of the Communist-Socialists.”

“Neither approach is right for America, and neither approach is anywhere close to right for our state. I feel it is my duty to fight for a new path for our state. Of course, we all know that getting this state in particular on the right path is going to take a rather long time, but together we can at least make a start.”

“There are a lot of ways we can make that start, but I believe our path starts with our children. Right now, we are one of the worst states in the country when it comes to funding our public schools, which get most of their funding from local property taxes. This results in poorer schools in poorer areas, which need well funded education far more than most. We need to reform our education system into one which allocates funding equitably directly from the state. To get this funding, we shall replace those local property taxes with a land value tax, which will both encourage development and bring in massive amounts of revenue for the state.”

“Furthermore something must be done to address the severe American problems of obesity, opioid and other drug abuse, and mental healthcare. All of which are very intertwined in the way we view our health. We must start making these issues more openly discussed topics, so that the American people can be more comfortable and aware of these treatable problems. We must also legalize marijuana, and decriminalize other drug usage, so that addicts will no longer be seen as lowlife criminals and can get the proper treatment that they deserve.”

The crowd was particularly cheerful at the mention of marijuana legalization.

“Thank you all for your time here today. I’m sorry it was so short, but I have to get out on the campaign trail. The fight for a sensible Central starts now!”