Nearly 2 weeks ago My ultrasound that morning found no heartbeat and my little girl didnt make it. Yeah it was a girl. Ive since had surgery and was sent off to see if there was any cause. But drs just think it was no cause. Just happened. My heart shattered. Im broken. Theres some relationship issues happening with it but wont get into it. All up Im broken and really struggling to get through my days at the moment.

Now. This parts a bit big to explain. But mum left here when I was 7. I found out as an adult it was because she was a drug addict and dad tried getting her off it but never happened. She left 3 kids in this state. My half sister. And me and my brother

She ended up having a 4th kids in another state. And starting a life with them etc.

I grew up being abused badly by my dads gf. Between 7-13 I barely got contact with mum. I found out later it was my abusive stepmothers choice. Not dad. (She always said dad didnt want us talking to mum). So between 7-13 i maybe spoke to mum 3x. And no she never tried to visit.

My abusive step mother sent me to mum suddenly when I was 13. Long story to why and how she was in cintact with mum but not the point.

Within 6mths in mums care her partner started abusing me to. I questioned myself alot. Like maybe I was being bad? Two step parents abusing me? Like maybe I was in the wrong. But man I was a good kid. I rarely talked back because I was to scared to. I rarely argued and misbehaved all because I was to scared to. I always had homework and chores done when told. I didnt wag school. Because Id rather be at school than home being abused. He bit me. Wrote songs about how horrid and ugly I am and recorded them and played them often. He would buy his 3 kids (he had 2 from a previous relationship) really cool stuff and me never got anything. I didnt get braces. Or glasses. Or got to go on the school excursions. I could go on and on. Mum in the 4yrs in their care. She tried to step in twice and both time she was hurt. So she would just blare music or tv to block my screaming out. I was removed from their care but some how the system always put me back. Mum would lie to cops to cover his ass and say it was all me when Im 100% sure I wasnt doing anything wrong. The moment he got home from work (about 15min after I got home from school) Id go straight to my room and EVERY day he would find something to start on me. Hes put my head through walls and everything.

At 16 nearly 17. I was sent back to dad. The woman was still his gf but barely there (theyd moved out and lived separately) eventually dad ended it.

Btw. He didnt know about the abuse. Well he didnt witness it. People told him about it over the yrs. But he just assumed we lied about it to get our mum back. Still not ok but mum saw it right in front of her and did nothing.

Let me HUGELY stress he didnt raise his voice or hand or anything to his kids. Over the yrs many question if he sexually did things to his kids behind closed doors. 100% nope. Trust me there.

Anyway- back to my point. Watching my sister grow. Was watching everything I wanted in life ...but someone else get it. She got 2 parents that loved her and didnt abuse her. She got braces and glasses. And those exact school trips I wanted to go on...instead of coming to my wedding. Yeah mum paid for her school trip to the snow. Same one I wasnt allowed to go on. Instead of coming to watch me get married. My sister got everything I wanted and this is a huge part of my resentment to her. I known it isnt her fault. But its been hard to watch her have this perfect life. And me... well.

She did also contribute to the abuse to. So not all just them why I resent her. She once came in while her dad was holding me by my hair. Came in with scissors and cut my hair off. And I know she's just doing it to impress her dad but man I was bullied so bad for it and hurt so much.

At the age of 10 she got a phone. (I wasnt allowed a phone to 18) mum didnt monitor her online activity like she did mine. And by the age of 13 my sister was one of the worst misbehaved kids and was posting nudes everywhere. She was wagging school. Running away. And why? Because the friends did it. She is a HUGE sheep. The friends posted nudes first. It took her a few months of peer pressure but she joined in. Shop lifted lingere etc. And every single things was because a friend did it. Its sad tbh. That she couldnt be her own person. Everyone in her life made her descions. Mum did try get her help but she wouldnt show up to the counsellors etc. In Jan 2018 she ran away because her friend did I caved and started calling police. Calling for help with the nudes. They gave me agency numbers and hotlines. And im doing all this in another state. Pretty much everyone said that kids grow up faster nowadays and to get over it. There were 50 yr old men commenting on her posts. One day I gained access to it and it was heaps worse than we thought and because my mum and her dad didnt do anything "because we dont want her to run away again like you did" (thats why they never disciplined her btw. To scared she'd leave) i gave up and removed all her nudes and told the 20 yr olds she was 13. Her dad abused me. Over the yrs Id been nice to him but that was it. I lost it. Called him out on all the abuse he gave me etc. And he had no say in anything to me.

Mum... took his side. That was it. I told her that Im done with that side of the family. The drama and stress its brought. I cant do it anymore. Have a good life. Bye

So yeah its been nearly 4yrs. And its gotten worse. Her new insta popped up when she was 15. And she was having actual sex with her bf as her profile. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ I messaged mum for the first time saying how bullshit she acts and gets this perfect life. But she left when I was 7 and weve had 1 visit since. 1. Like us 3 kids here no longer exist. My brother had 0 to do with this and he doesnt even get a happy birthday text from her. Like Im disgusted in them. I also found out mum married him. Yeah great. Married the guy that abused her daughter. Her. Cheated on her and did drugs and many other crap. Thanks mum.

Now back to my pregnancy bit.

The day I found out I was pregnant. Id actually found out my sister. Whos now 16 is also pregnant. It wasnt an accident. It was all planned. She was exactly 1 mth in front of me. Id been trying to have a baby with mu husband for 3yrs. And a miscarriage at the start. And we were losing hope. And my sister was due ON MY BIRTHDAY. I cried. A lot. Like to much. So I peed on a stick and guess what. Pos. 3 yrs! And a pos. My due date was 1mth later...on her birthday. I was estactic. But here I am. Supposed to be 12wks this Sunday and my stomach is empty and my baby girl is not here anymore. My depression is the worst Ive even had. My counsellors booked out. My husbands back in his truck. Im alone and Im a mess. Im crying every single day. I havent showered in a week. I forget to eat. And all I do is cry.

And what does my sister get. A baby. Shes 4 weeks ahead. With a healthy little baby.

And I should be happy. But Im not. Im pissed. That she got this happy life. Everything handed to her on a silver platter. Still misbehaved so severely and go no punishment and now she gets a baby to. 😒

I behaved so well. And got beaten and hurt and now this. Its like for 5 friken minutes I want to be first and it isnt happening. I really dont know what to do. Ive been screaming for mental help and not getting it. Im a mess. And all I want is a hug and I have no one. Im on a waiting list for a new therepist because I'm 25 and to old for my current one now (dont see 25 ) then to add to ask this mums suddenly ring to contact me. She's texting (I've since blocked her number) texting that i was right and she left my stepdad but if i accept her apology that's me admitting she had nothing to do with it. When yes he did everything but she stayed with him and let him do it when it was her job to protect me.

Just Im really struggling with everything and all I want is my baby back. She would have been so loved and treasured. Now I'm left feeling empty. Depressed and alone

Sorry for the long rant. I just dont know how to deal with this again. Last miscarriage wasn't a planned pregnancy. Sucked. But this was planned and I feel so much more worse this time. I've never been this low before😔