I had a miscarriage a year ago. I wasn’t far along but I was so in love with the baby. I think because of the state of mind I was in at the time and my own poor relationship with my mother, I felt so disappointed in myself. I didn’t mean to get pregnant but when I did I was so happy. So happy at the opportunity I had, to give a person what I never had.

It took me a year to tell my mother. I told her about a month ago. She told me that because pregnancy tests nowadays detect pregnancy so early, I shouldn’t be upset because it happened to women all the time years ago. She said that we are in a me too age and that a lot of women feel like they need to have stories of pain. She started picking holes in my story. She so passive aggressively made out that I lied about it. I really thought that in this situation she would understand. I’m so mad at her though. I haven’t shown it but I’m so mad that she disrespected my baby. It sounds so stupid but I feel so protective. Yet still I try so hard to get her love and I need to stop. She made me doubt myself and whether it had even happened at one point. I feel like I disrespected the baby in that thought. I feel so guilty.

I just can’t move on from this. I feel like crying every time I see a baby, every time an older woman shows me any kind of kindness I feel like crying and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t have any friends right now bc my father is high risk and I’ve been shielding for months. I had to take my first year of uni online so I don’t move in September. My mum fosters babies and I just need to get away. I have no one to talk to and all day I’m alone in my thoughts with my baby.

Three days after it happened a premature baby was placed at our home. She’s beautiful and still lives in our home today. 2 months ago the baby’s younger sister was born and has been placed with us until they get adopted. On Christmas Day I found out my cousin was pregnant. Almost exactly a year after it happened. Everywhere I look there are babies and I don’t have mine. I didn’t want one until I had one. My mother is so good with the babies she looks after and I just don’t understand why she’s so cruel to me. She’s a great mother; just not to me.

I can’t afford therapy and I can’t leave my house because of my dad. I have no one to talk to and I feel like such a failure. A failure because I got pregnant so young and a failure because I lost the baby. I really don’t have anything to do right now because of lockdown and all I do is think about what I would be doing if I had my child with me. I feel like I have so much love in my body and nowhere to put it. I feel so lost.

How can I focus myself without dismissing the memory of the child? What if it happens again? I know Reddit is a strange place to go for support but I really have nobody. No one taught me about this. About how common this is or about how painful this is. I didn’t know what to do when it happened and I don’t know what to do now.