I was a bit on the fence about wether or not to post this story already, but then I thought why not. Again, please mind the usual disclaimer that these stories can sometimes be a bit vague due to the nature of what state me and my dad were in when he told them to me. You know, Whiskey and sleep deprivation. Anyway, here it goes.

The avid reader of the previous stories may have already guessed that my dad could be a bit of a shitass and a slight cleptomaniac. Which is probably why I once found a working exercise version of a single-use handheld flame projector in our attic, but that’s another story for another day. Today we shall dive into what I consider to be his greatest heist.

We again find ourselves in Germany, the late 80s. My dad is serving as a conscript in a Fallschirmjäger (Paratrooper) Regiment. As such, his unit is usually called upon to serve as OPFOR during exercises, called Red Team or the „Reds“. They’re usually tasked with attacking into the defensive position of the Blue team where they’d inevitably get slaughtered.

It’s time for one of these exercises again and predictably my fathers unit is in the Red Team. But this time, their commander has an idea. Red won’t just blindly charge in but instead will wait for a while and probe Blue, causing some chaos and finding weakpoints, disrupting the enemy a bit. He had no idea just how much chaos this would cause.

As a paratrooper, my father was better trained than the other infantry soldiers and as such, he and his fellow paratroopers would often be tasked with recon missions. During this particular exercise, his unit was the one tasked with reconnaissance. They’d send their guys out in pairs, just to check Blues defenses out and prove to see how far they could get. My dad was paired up with his best friend and off they went.

As they approached the first lines, they realized that Blue seemed overconfident. Sure, they were manning their positions and were keeping an eye out, but the soldiers were more busy smoking and chatting than actually paying attention. They didn’t do any reconnaissance themselves and instead just waited in their positions for Reds inevitable attack which didn’t seem to come. My dad and his friend sensed an opportunity. Through some clever use of drainage ditches and thick underbrush, the two of them made it past this first line, then the second line. As they got deeper and deeper into Blues positions, they noticed that these soldiers were even more careless, which was probably a byproduct of Red not attacking when they were supposed to. They didn’t even have soldiers standing watch and many had discarded parts of their uniform to better cope with the summer sun. Again, my dad and his friend pressed on.

Once they cleared the defenses and got into Blues rear, they soon came upon a small collection of vehicles on a field between two sets of woods. They soon realized that with the amount of antennas and sidearm-wearing personnel, this could only be a command post. At this point they didn’t know that they had found the command post.

As they layed low on the edge of a treeline, they observed a few things: One, the guards were all sitting on the other side of the post, playing cards or occupying themselves otherwise. After all, no one from Red would come here, right? Two, no one was really keeping watch at all. And three, there was a good bit of distance between the post and the woods. It was at this point that they both laid their eyes on the most beautiful sight that they could have ever imagined.

There was a man sometimes walking around the post whom everyone saluted. His uniform was pristine, not a single speck of dirt on it as it spanned across his rotund shape. His stars were clearly visible, almost lighting up my dads eyes. I’m not sure if I can say how many stars there were without violating PERSEC rules, but suffice to say there were a few. And then something unexpected happened. The general left the command post and walked towards the woods on my dads side. My dads friend already grabbed his rifle to „shoot“ him, but my dad convinced him to wait. An opportunity was presenting itself.

And so it came that my dad and his friend hatched a plan while a general took a leak just a few meters from them. Using hand signs, my dad explained to his friend that he wanted to capture the general and bring him back to their lines, effectively stealing him. His friend grinned and nodded in agreement. Once the general hat finished his business and buttoned up his fly again, they pounced.

The general seemed to have been so shocked that he didn’t make a noise and the two of them had him quickly subdued and pulled him back to the woods. In there, they used a piece of his uniform as a gag so that he wouldn’t make any noise since he wouldn’t listen to their quiet insistence that he play along, which in my opinion isn’t an unreasonable thing to ask during an exercise. Now they had to make their escape.

The general also refused to move anywhere, so they half carried, half dragged him away from the command post. Now there were shouts audible. Apparently they had noticed that he was missing and were frantically searching for him, probably assuming that he had gotten lost or that something happened to him. As the now somewhat involuntary group of three made its way back, the generals pristine uniform suffered. Drainage ditches tend to be wet and muddy, even in summertime.

The other ones from the Red Team couldn’t believe it when they finally made it back to their lines, looking like dogs that had just found a pile of manure. And smiling like them too. The Red Commander was extremely surprised (and excited) when he was presented with two grinning Enlisted and a very pissed Blue Team commander. According to my father he seemed to jump at the opportunity to actually have a chance this time and was already giving out orders when a car with white umpire markings came to a halt and a very annoyed officer exited. He told everyone that the exercise was canceled and would be re-done in a few days time and he also demanded the return of the stolen „goods“. This massively pissed the Red Team commander off, but he had no way to appeal the decision.

A few days later the exercise was re-done with much tighter restrictions for Red and they inevitably got slaughtered. So the general got the last laugh. But my dad and his friend were commended for their initiative by their commanding officer and were in fact not reprimanded since they had given the general multiple opportunities to comply with their orders and he had refused.