I’ve been on methadone over a decade, but my addictive tendencies still peak their ugly head quite often. Since I’m not actively using aside from marijuana I’ve noticed that I kinda obsess over my methadone being just right. I get irritated when I get uneven wafers, I drink every bit of my dose and don’t use the stupid popsicle stick because it absorbs my medication at the window, just things like that. It could be that I’m adjusting my dose with my dr to account for some fairly new withdrawal symptoms that came out of nowhere last year. I’ve only gone up 10 mgs and I thought it was something else going on with my health. They decided to compare my trough results with the one before it on the same dose and there was over 30% drop in my serum levels. I’ve felt off ever since. My dose used to provide relief, mainly on a mental level. Now I can’t even tell I took it which doesn’t mean I’m looking for a high, but I need to feel my withdrawals going away and a small sense of relaxation. My withdrawals are never completely gone. The most important one being cravings. I’m questioning why I’m even on methadone, but I know it’s my job to schedule the appointments with the dr and express my need to go up again. I worry because, to the nurses, I’m on plenty, but that dose number means nothing to me. We all metabolize differently and have wildly different tolerances. The effect ones dose has may be enough to curb cravings entirely while another person may need a stronger effect. I think what’s most important is being able to function and stay clean. My dose is high, but I never nod or fall asleep. I just feel like I’m lucky to have gotten a 10 mg increase but what good is it if I’m not where I was before all this started. I know what stability feels like and I’m just suffering. They make it so hard at these clinics to increase and put hurdles at every point. I’ve jumped them all like a little showdog. Now I get news my partner may lose his job and I’m a stay at home mom. I help an elderly disabled woman and one of my kids is moderately-severely disabled. I’ve stopped going to the gym ever since my dose started not holding me. It’s almost like the manufacturer is using that 20% rule (all genetics must be no less than 20% active ingredient variance). That’s a lot. Or maybe it’s my body who knows. I don’t even know what to do.