So I went to therapy a good bit ago with an admittedly skeptical mindset leaning slightly towards it being a waste of time dispite this I decided to give it the ol college try.

Well 8 months and 2 therapist later slowly proved my initial suspension correct. As both of them having what I said go in one ear and out the other one literally asking me the same question everytime and me giving the same answer every session for like 3 once weekly sessions in a row. The other one dispite my saying they should take control of the convo and dispite agreeing with me still didn't and so we ended up just having normal street level conversations. Now after spending what little money I had saved up it's no longer financial viable for me to even consider giving it another try unless I get some kind of income but the anxiety I feel about even thinking about leaving the house by myself let along actually going to the job/talking to people on Zoom make it a slim prospect that I'll find anything anytime soon. So I'm trapped dealing with the same issues I have been for the most of life bright side is that will only be 3-5 years more I do the inevitable so not to much longer now. Not that I want to but it's the only option I see that I have being to suffer in silence with no one talk to surrounded by people giving false sympathys that say and show they care but I know they don't as I'm nobody with caring about.

I've been told multiple times in the past that I'm smart by both family, friends and coworkers but I never believe a word of it, if I'm so "smart" why I am 34 years old living with my mother working only dead end retail jobs (doesn't matter where all retail jobs are dead jobs when I work them) when I can manage to get one and still having my mother pay the bills for me that doesn't sound like something a "smart" person would be doing.

A "smart" person would have gone to college to get a degree of some kind 10 years ago and get an appropriate job related to that degree, A "smart" person would be living on their own at this point, A "smart" person would be able to pay their own bills. But I'm not a "smart" person so I'm stuck living a meaningless, fruitless, pathetic life because I'm nothing but a stupid worthless person that's all I'll ever be for the rest of the life I've alloted myself.

I'll probably check back in like a week to month and see what (if any thing) is said about this so if I don't say anything that's why but as if said previously I'm no one worth caring about I wouldn't be shocked if this post had no comments. Lol