Its a far cry from sitting in my other therapists office crying and telling her I didn’t know if I was gonna be safe when I went home and having her tell me she couldn’t let me leave until she knew I’d be safe(either at home or go to a hospital for safety there)

I’m doing Charlie Health rn cause I felt like it was a better avenue and I like the group therapy aspect. But that also means leaving my therapist until I’m done with the 9 week program.

I was telling my new therapist (with C.H)about my suicidal ideations. About how I can’t trust myself when I’m alone and having these feelings.

She asked what every therapist (before the last one)has asked..in the same dismissive tone “but you’ve never acted on these thoughts before?” And of course I had to answer honestly. No, I’ve never acted on them. But can’t it be enough to say that I literally don’t know if I’d go do something life threatening without so much as a second thought???

I was doing really well all week. Even all day. And now tonight, I’m alone, I’m thinking. I’m remembering how non chalant she was. And now those SI thoughts are challenging her.

“If she’s so unphased once she hears that I’ve never acted on the urges I must be okay. I must be fine. So now how we gonna do it? How are we gonna end Shasta? Right now would be the perfect time.No one would suspect a thing!”

They’re the most haunting thoughts.

It’s also hard when therapists question why I’m in counseling. I know why they do it, they want me involved in a plan as to why I’m there and what I’m looking forward to working on. It all makes sense. But honestly I don’t know why I’m in therapy. Because it feels good? Because it’s stable?? Fuck if I know.

Im currently on a train of thought, did I fuck up going this route if the therapist isn’t gonna take my issues seriously??? I’m gonna have to have a really hard conversation, luckily I’m going to be able to instead of hold my tongue.

It’d be a great disservice to myself if I kept quiet again. I won’t grow if I don’t tell her how she’s made me feel. But it’s so hard and so scary. And yet, I know myself best. And that’s growth.