Every night I think about it. Doing something life threatening. Sometimes I get dangerously close. My silent pleads for help are met with laughs. People think they’re jokes. Even when I try to tell them they’re not, they just think I’m pushing the joke forward. I’ve stopped trying to hide the signs, and yet they’re still ignored. By friends, parents, teachers,etc. I’ve ruined relationships because I love to much. I hate my desperate reliance on being loved by someone. Just to be with someone would help so much. I fall in love to fast, then they don’t want to be friends anymore. I understand why, it is my fault after all. But damn it hurts. So many great people gone. It doesn’t help that I’m gay, which turns them away even more. It also doesn’t help that I’m not particularly attractive. No matter what I try to do to work on myself no progress is made. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I dread the next day more and more. Slowly giving up more and more. I might just stop completely. No longer moving, in bed until i rot. God I wish it wasn’t so lonely. I wish someone, anyone loved me the way that I love them. I dissociate and sleep to distract myself, but I’m greeted harshly when it ends. Even now, I hate that I’m doing this. It seems so corny. I don’t even know why I’m doing this, I hate pity. Maybe it’s because there is nobody else for me to tell, so telling a bunch of strangers might do something. The only thing stopping me from ending it is fear. I’m not exactly sure of what, but it scares me. I hope this fear lasts long enough for things to get better.