malapit na ang holiday season. i hate it because everybody is happy, or is expected to be. expected to be thankful, be "merry", spread love, and just be happy.

i just can't do that. i'm a mess. i've relapsed. off my meds for a month already. not getting enough sleep, drinking too much, relying on nicotine, not having people who genuinely care about me.

i hate the holidays because it's all about love, gratitude, and happiness. i don't have all that. i don't have people who will message me on Christmas or on New Year's, I don't have people who will exchange gifts with me, who will send me a long ass paragraph on how thankful they am to have me.

i feel so shitty.