Every since moving to the Philippines, I've struggled with my mental health and developed depression and anxiety through the years. As a result, I became a very reclusive teenager and barely made any friends. My decline in mental health also became the reason why I never explored romantically and sexually, often times I'd be left too frustrated and anxiety-ridden to actually enjoy my youth.

6 years of college have come and gone, and to be honest, it wasn't until my last 2 years that I began gaining confidence and developing hope for myself. I started doing well academically, met my best friend, explored socially and partook in social events. My last semester, despite my constant dreading, was something I looked forward to... I was finally graduating. I had so many plans with my friends and best friend. Before getting busy with my thesis, I planned to drink every single week with my go-to person, I was invited to attend my friend's son's baptism, she urged me to come and wanted to introduce me to a friend of her husband's who was looking forward to meeting me. I, as an anxious person pushed myself and agreed to every foreseeable social event. It was very unlike me, but I considered them once in a life time chances, and for once, I was okay with it.

Then the pandemic struck us and well, here I am.

I did graduate, that was an achievement that I'm still proud of, but in the last 10 months, my mental health declined rapidly. I isolated myself from friends, suffered from several breakdowns, contemplated suicide for god knows how many times. It depresses me and fills me with intense regret and sadness whenever I think of every missed opportunity. I haven't seen a friendly face since quarantine started, I haven't hugged my best friend, shared a conversation with her, haven't had a single night out of drinking, haven't had a cigarette, and I can't help but feel that I've become socially crippled. I keep thinking of how my last semester could've played out if the pandemic didn't happen, and I can't help but break down thinking that I'll never be able to experience my last year of college again.

I was happy, I was getting somewhere. But now I'm back to square one.