For context,

I went to see a Psychiatrist back in 2021. And I was prescribed exulten & renuvie. Then after ko matapos yung medication hindi na ako bumalik for another session or took any after.

I was shamed by my relatives especially my father na nagpapsych ako and taking meds. And I was mocked. "Mukhang okay kana di mo na kailangan bumalik" "Oh tapos mo na gamot mo? So okay kana?" "Mahal mahal ng doctor pati gamot kaya siguraduhin mo na magiging okay ka"

Like somehow that made me magically fixed. Kaya I just endured it and said na "okay na po ako". Smiled. And tried to copy how the meds made me feel. I just remembered mellowed out, numbed. And so I did, which backfired bc the only way to feel calm is avoiding. Kaya nagkaavoidant tendencies din ako.

I'm on my peak Anxiety ngayon. I'm so tired of hiding and avoiding too. I really want to follow through with university instead of backing out again.

This time, I secretly seeked out a psychologist. Because of my anxiety and avoidant tendencies. And with the tools given to me, I am still struggling.

In desperate for something dahil midterms na and I'm still MIA sa mga activities. I used my old prescription to buy meds. (may nakalagay na expiry:10/16/23 sa baba) I don't know if it's bad but I feel like it is and I feel guilty.

But at the same time I don't regret it because it's been so long since I felt okay—normal. Gumaan pakiramdam ko. My (dark) thoughts had become quieter. My physical anxiety symptoms padin (like heart racing, shortness of breath, tingling sensation at hot flashes). But wala na yung mga panicking thoughts in my head. And I was able to actually think things through.

I always thought na I'm the most coherent person because I'm always thinking and have so many thoughts in my head. (Mga 150 scenarios kinda thing. A to Z back up plans and all.) And It never really occurred to me na hindi ko na fifilter or hindi ko nasisit in yung mga thoughts na yun. That's why yung tools na binigay sakin ng therapist ko wasn't working.

And when I finally did, I realized how much self-hatred I had and how it was affecting everyone around me. So I talked to my father about it and we had a more open-minded and great conversation. Mas acceptable na siya about mental health. Maybe because may mental health awareness na sila sa company where he works. And also my brother got diagnosed with depression too and was medicated. (He had to be psych eval before maka enroll for SHS dahil concerning daw nung na interview kapatid ko during enrollment)

I feel great ngayon but paubos na yung meds and I'm scheduled for another appointment sa therapy. I'm wondering should I go to my therapist or to a psychiatrist para makakuha ng updated na prescription?

Can I still use that prescription or do I need an updated one? Because if I still can maybe I can go to my therapist instead. Then in the next month a psychiatrist since I can only pick one muna. They're a bit expensive and ayoko maging pabigat sa papa ko about expenses.

And how bad yung ginawa ko? Please no berating. I know I did wrong.