This month alone, I've been in 2 weddings. One of which, I was the host.

Hi, call me Naya. Im currently in a relationship for almost 10 years with 3 kids. Live in. Not married.

I never wanted to get married. Yan lagi kong sinasabi.. pero is it true? O baka defense mechanism ko lang yan dahil takot ako na wala naman may gustong pakasalan ako. Had jumped from ome relationship to another until i met my now live in partner and father of my children.

For the past years, ive seen friends and family getting married. Okay lang. Deadma lang. Pero this year? Its hitting me. Hard. Ganito nalang ba lagi? Taga attend nalang ako? Taga panood ng save the date videos? Taga picture with the couple? Etc

Kanina lang galing kami sa kasal. Theyve been together 18 years. Pero kasal na sila since nag kaanak sila, pero sa west kanina lang yung pinaka chirch wedding. It was beautiful. It was amazing.

I suddenly saw myself tearing for some reason. My LIP at my back, tahimik lang na nanonood. I dont know what's in his mind. Pero ako, bigla kong natanong ang sarili ko "ako kaya? Kelan?" "Papakasalan kaya ako?" "Mararanasan ko kaya to?" I dont need and want an extravaggant wedding. No. Kahit kaming dalawa lang sa harap ng judge, the pride na "uy pinakasalan ako" kelan kaya?

We decided to step out and we sat to this beautiful fountain. Biglang nag salita si LIP. "Ang unfair talaga ng buhay no?" Me: why? LIP: parehong puder nila may kaya, kaya hindi nila problema magpakasal ng ganito.

In my mind, i answered him. They worked hard to get this wedding. They saved. They looked forward to it. Isa pa, hindi unfair dahil may kaya ang pamilya nila. You whats unfair? This is their 2nd wedding. The formal one. They got married way back sa west, intimate, sila lang and their family.

Unfair is why other people na wala naman kaya sa buhay, nagagawan ng paraan na mag pakasal? Kahit sila lang. May dalawang witness. Pirma ng contract. Done. Hindi kailangan maging bongga to show your love.

I found myself vowing na this is gonna be the last wedding i will be attending. The next wedding? Is mine.

Nag seself pity ba ko at this moment? Yes. Am i always like this? No. Im trying to smile to other guests as if im fine when theyre asking "kayo kelan? Pakasal na rin kayo!" I was like, kung pwede ko lang pakasalan sarili ko i would do it, because i think i deserve it.

Pinag uusapan ba namin ni LIP? Yes. But he always blocks me with the line "Be, marami pa tayo problema, marami tayong bayarin. Kung may pera lang tayo mag papakasal na tayo ngayon." - hindi ko naman sinabing now na. Siguro im asking for assurance, comfort that soon in the future meron akong aasahan. Or atleast crack the question, para kahit papano may suot naman ako kahit tig 299 yan o kahit cheese ring lang. Am I setting my standard low? Maybe haha. Actually yes. Im setting my standard low, kasi it hurts like hell to not get the high standard you are looking for.

We are financially struggling. As in. Raising 3 kids? Not easy. And i am here with him all along. I cant see myself being with someone else. I never cheated. He did twice. But thats forgiven and he made up for it.

Walang patutunguhan tong post na to. HAHAHA. Gusto ko lang talaga sabihin to someone tong naisip at naramdaman ko kanina. I just wanna cry my eyes out. Yun lang bye.