Ang hirap maging mentally unstable. During Presentations, Skills Demo, or Revalida, I get asked, “Bat sobrang chill mo? Hindi ka ba kinakabahan?”

I can't answer agad kasi ewan, Idk how I feel too. I just know I'd tremble from speaking publicly at times, but I don't really feel scared or what, just exhausted.

Tinutukan na ako sa tagiliran as a prank, muntik na rin mapag-tripan ng tambay sa daan (but just walked it off like nothing) & nakikisakay na lang ako sa behavior ng classmates sometimes based on what I think I should be feeing & reacting too, because I feel alienated or a weirdo.

Then I remember I'm taking an anti-anxiety medication for exactly a year now (since June 2023). But I do plan to get a new prescription for my panic attacks kasi Istg, ang lala ko ma-trigger.

I don’t cut my wrists anymore like I usually do last year, but I have enough intrusive thoughts I’m afraid I won’t keep under control. I’m bad at containing once it’s getting into my nerves— I literally feel suffocated everytime like I used to (when my mom would put me in a sack as a punishment as a child), people can see how agitated I get, & blow up easily.

I once jumped out of the car while my dad was driving, pinagdabugan ko yung clinical instructor during our duty kasi ang OA niya (tapos nung nalaman na may GAD ako from my groupmates tapos hindi pumasok the next day, parang nakonsensya raw). Besides also my face having a subtitle, I slap people like some reflex when I blow up.