You can call me Relz(nickname). For context, I'm in my early 20's. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder, my mom mentioned to me during the consultation, that I was diagnosed with Early Onset AdHD. For the past years since I've been on medications, the treatment didn't really helped me, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But it's been 6 months since I've been off-medications. Compare to where I am now, from before. I'm living my most stable version of myself even if this version of me is just bare minimum to someone who's functioning well and able to handle their problems. I'm the kind of person who is ambitious, has a lot of mixed-hobbies. I'm Genderfluid, I can be both feminine and masc, but I'm male at birth. I have high-interest in self-care, maximising my energy in arts. I am a performer, I do drag and an advocate for HIV Awareness, as I myself is one of the volunteers who help out as a counselor in my organization. I am also knowlegeable in astrology and do readings as well, and help people as I've been doing this for 2 years and I've helped people along the way on how to heal themselves. Ironic for me because I'm unable to fully help and undertstand myself with astrology, but I've helped people who never thought astrology is an option for them. Basically I do a lot. I'm about to start college again, after 2 years of gap years. Most days, I'm doing okay. But there is still certain days, days like this where I just fumble and fall. I have a routine every morning, including watering the plants, feeding the pets, and keeping the house tidy, cooking and etc. basic house chores. In a house, family of 4, I try my best to do these things to help out my mom. My mom has always been supportive and anxious about my wellbeing, my future as well.

But all I ever felt was she might waste money on me for enrolling me in college. Same with my dad who's in Dubai. They would always respond. " Paano kung magtrabaho ka na", and now "Paano kung magaaral ka na?". They would always say that to me if I never did my normal routine, or if I just did or did not do according to what I feel in that moment. I easily get burntout, I hate myself for thinking like this, but I do love my wellbeing for being myself. Reality sucks for me as I'm unable to do the tasks even though I layed out the routine I have. I've always been obssesed to take note and outline everything in a day, or for the week and be really organized. It's just a never-ending cycle of me, staying consistent.

The reason why I stopped meds because I don't like what I was feeling being on medication. A part of me is surpressed, a part of me is unable to express what I feel. Because in regards of what I feel, when I'm on medications only my moods are balanced. But never why do I get the feeling that, A big part of me was missing. During those time I'm on medication, I did try my best to work, to pursue arts. I really do feel like I'm normal, but I don't like that feeling of being one with the crowd. I honestly don't know what I'm saying anymore. I just want to go to bed and read, and watch a lot of movies, I have escapism-tendencies and shut off anyone. But I do love interacting with my friends, I just prefer to stay alone and do what I want. And all I want is to cook at my own home, and eat the food I've cooked. Read what I want to read. I feel like I'm selfish for thinking like this nowadays. Some days I just completely shut off and not talk to anyone. Some days I would go on an adventure and seek places, and get curious and be inspired what are these people going through.

Getting checked at NCMH. Has always been a struggle, it was never enough for me to just say what's my problem because I can never full figure out what I was dealing with. All I know was I just said, I have extreme moodswings when I was a teenager. I have trouble sleeping, I have trouble expressing what I need and want. Because I don't know what I need or want. But sometimes I do know what I want. I want to stay in bed and watch. I like to watch different kinds of genre of movies, series, and animations, and arts. I find myself if I ever put myself back to that situation again, I might shut people of again. I have my own way of doing things but never I am consistent in doing it anyway. A routine that I always , always improve but never how I become so consistent with it. There are times I'm really doing well, I became one of the top counselor in my near hub orgnanization. But seeing myself in this situation, makes me rethink if I am capable. I always knew I'm capable of anything if I put my effort into it.

I don't know how to tell the ones I loved, I'm struggling. Talking about my feelings to my mom, just triggers me all the way. I need professional help I know, but NCMH is just too much for me, that the 4 years of help is enough and I'll just go find someone else who actually does know what I'm feeling. Every time I get my check-up, I never feel satisfied with their answer, I juat listen and did what I was told to do to become better. It's just ao hard to know if I'n doing okay, because I feel like I'm doing fine. There are just going to be days that I'm triggered and sensitive for reasons I don't know what are. I'm okay right now, I was much worse.

I lost people in this journey of mine, but I'm bittersweet about it that I now have my peace among friends who are worthy of my trust. They may be just easily counted with fingers, but I treasure them enough that I tried to open up about my feelings and needs. I don't know if I do have Bipolar, because I'm not on medications but for the past few weeks it's the best months for me so far. I know something is wrong with me but I don'r think it's wrong of me, as I just see myself being myself for no ther reasons. I never hurted anyone, but I do get hurt emotionally by myself and those people around me who's intention was never to hurt me. But it pains me to say, I might not be able to be fully seen for something I am potentially capable of. But even if I'm the only person who truly knows theur capabilities. I have no problem living like that. I just want to know how to be not an overthinker when it comes to deciding. I don't fully know how to do it, I just trust with my gut and educated guess for anything that's about to happen.

If someone here in the comments is able to shed light on me, please do so. I'm also looking for cheap check ups. I can barely afford anything