tw: sh and suicide !! long post im sorry.. tl;dr at the end.

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Hi! I’m currently a 2nd year College student right now. So I’ve been consulting sa psych na for around 4-5 months na. I’ve been diagnosed with multiple disorders from each psychologist/psychiatrist na napuntahan ko (I’ve been jumping from one psych to another kasi hindi ko ‘feel’ yung psych) and I am so freaking scared and confused now because I don’t know who to believe and kung ano ba talagang meron saakin.

So to start, I started seeking help nung October 2023 mainly because of these reasons:

• On high gears and high alert ako, took up so many tasks and responsibilities from August 2022 to July 2023. I was doing ‘fine’ before that and I felt okay-ish, I was able to get my life on track after losing everything before nun.
• Ever since elementary, I’ve been self-harming and planning attempts to take my own life. I had experience with being abandoned (by friends), backstabbing, and was heavily paranoid that my friends would turn their backs on my and say some shit behind my back. Basically whole elementary that was my life and I have no stable friendships (hanggang ngayon). I was feeling empty most of the time, everything hurts(?), and wala talaga akong gana at all.
• Pagkarating ng May 2023, I was heavily, like heavily struggling na. I can’t keep up, yung mga pinaghirapan ko they’re slowly slipping away. I can’t function like how I used to. I don’t know what’s happening and sobrang nag dip ako that time. Everyone was worried (my college friends/org mates) because bigla nalang akong nag ‘dip’. I was having a hard time keeping up with everything, hindi na ako nakakasunod at all, laging wala, laging MIA, hindi na nakakapasok.
• I started having hallucinations (more on sensory and visual hallucinations, and some auditory) for roughly 6 months, ang lala ng delusions ko (truly believed that someone was fucking out to get me and is really praying for my downfall). I was heavily dissociating as well and I cannot recognize myself, I feel like I was not ‘me’, na sobrang disconnected ako sa katawan ko. I felt na I was just watching and I’m not really there
• I get.. insane when someone is leaving me. My whole day is controlled by how my current relationship with people are doing. If everything is okay, then I’ll feel okay too. If I feel na someone would leave me I’ll feel extreme emotions which would lead me to self-harming and attempting to take my own life

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brief summary lang yan and there are a lot of things pa, then here’s yung timeline ko for getting help and what they diagnosed me with.

• I first went sa NCMH for the free consultation nun, I was prescribed with Escitalopram but hindi niya sinabi yung diagnosis ko. One consultation lang yun, then my mom found out about it nung nakita niya yung prescription ko sa wallet ko and the following month we consulted a psychologist na
• Psychologist 1: Nagkwento lang ako sa kanya about why I’m there, and she just asked me mga questions. Wala akong sinagutang actual na test or assessment, nagtanong lang talaga siya. By the end of the session she diagnosed me with Bipolar with Psychotic features and Borderline Personality Disorder. My family wanted to get a second opinion about my diagnosis so we looked for another one.
• Psychologist 2: Here, nag test ako sa kanya and ang results is Bipolar Type 2 with Paranoia, and was referred to a psychiatrist to get meds.
• Psychiatrist 1 (referred by Psych 2): I was prescribed with Fluoxetine and Quetiapine. Kinakausap rin niya yung guardian ko after my session to inform them, and she informed my guardian na may diagnosis siya saakin pero hindi niya dinisclose saakin, sa guardian ko lang. Sabi is Schizoaffective Disorder, she told my guardian na she doesn’t agree with the Bipolar 2 with Paranoia bc Schizoaffective daw nag ffall yung symptoms(?) kk

I went with Psych 2 for 2 months, but we were still looking for other doctors na mas mura and kasi hindi ko rin ‘feel’ yung dalawang yun. Then recently nakahanap kami ng bago and nagconsult ako sa kanya.

• Psych 3: I tried him out, and overall gusto ko siya, kwinento ko sa kanya yung history ko and by the end of the session he suspected that I might have ADHD. And was diagnosed with it by the 2nd consultation sa kanya and he prescribed me with meds as well.

Now, these past few months wala akong nakikitang effect ng meds ko saakin, I feel ‘normal’ as well. Lumala lang yung pag sself-harm ko and suicidal tendencies ko when someone would ‘leave’ me or feel like someone is abandoning me. I still can’t get myself to focus, I still can’t work kapag hindi ako interested sa mga bagay bagay.. If it’s not stimulating enough for my brain hindi ako makakapag trabaho.

I’m so confused.. andaming naddiagnose saakin and now they don’t feel right. Naiisip ko rin na what if I’m just faking everything kaya andaming naddiagnose? What if none of this is real talaga?? Is this normal? to feel like this?

I’m so stressed I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts.. Wala akong mapagsabihan about dito since I lost my connection with my friends and I’m alone now. I am so close to tearing myself up ulit and would like to do nothing at all. I’m tired and I’m hella confused

TL;DR Now stressed and confused been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, BPD, Schizoffective, and ADHD by multiple doctors. I don’t know what to do now and who to believe. I need your thoughts and your advice on what to do now.