My life has no meaning. No matter how hard I try, what I do, or how important something or someone is for me, it is never enough. I am never enough. Because I'm not normal. I can't make genuine connections. People always tell me I'm too intense. If I tone down or pretend to be normal, it will never end, and people hate me for "leading them on". There's no way to win.

I want real friends and real connections. I'm very affectionate and intense and that's not what society wants, that's not what anybody wants. Everybody wants somebody with a job and money. I can't work due to my sensory processing problems, I'm totally useless and I understand why nobody wants me. So why can't I just die? I wish I could kill myself. I'm so sensitive and scared of pain, I just want this to be over soonest and painlessly.

I've done everything to improve myself. I had a job and a degree and still people won't respect me. They don't treat me as an equal because subconsciously they know I'm not like them. People like me are always told to improve ourselves while normies date horrible normies all the time without complaint. It's all a scam to avoid saying directly that they simply don't like us.

What is life without a shared reality? I can't relate to anyone, even the autism subs. They complain about everything under the sun except finding deeper meaning. They got jobs or relationships where they're happy and do well. I got nothing. Special interests? Hobbies? I lose interest quickly because I have nobody to share them with. I even tried the specific interest subs here and nobody cares. No, I don't get so interested in anything that I forget the fact I'm alone. I like sharing my world but there's nobody to share it with. Nobody cares.

Everything about me is inappropriate. I have to be totally fake just to meet people. But I can't keep on masking forever. I am so sick and tired of this. I have one friend who cares about me, but I can't make her my sole reason for living. I can't do that to her and she doesn't want me to kill myself. I wish I'd die of natural causes soon.