Pa-vent lang po muna kasi napipikon na ako. The fact na walang facilities o support systems para sa mga tulad ko sa PH. Oo may autism society pero ang focus nila ay sa classic autism. May bayad ang membership at konti lang chapters at activities. I don't live in Metro Manila. I didn't have the benefit of early intervention or SPED. Binuno ko ang traditional schooling. Pinaghirapan ko talaga. 15 years ako sa college, tried 5 different colleges, different fields. Sinubukan kong magtrabaho, ginago ako. Inakusahan ng kung ano-ano.

Madaming therapist at doctor na ang dinaanan ako, some of the best in the country. Sangkaterbang meds na ang sinubukan ko. I watch my diet, exercise, sleep. Hindi ako nagbababad sa games o social media. Tapos sasabihin ni doc, impatient lang ako?!?! I've been working on myself for more than a decade! Lahat kasalanan ko pa rin? Inayos ko sleep schedule ko at regular na exercise ko but I don't feel any happier or more energy. No sense of fulfillment sa lahat ng naaccomplish ko like getting a degree, wala kasi sobrang late na.

Bumalik ako sa doctor kasi kailangan ko ng support system, hindi para madagdagan yung mga taong humuhusga sa akin. Just because I "look normal" doesn't mean I'm normal and don't need help. But there is nothing for me in this country. Balik tayo sa autism society, sige okay, they exist. But their events are sensory nightmares! Paano naging inclusive yun kung yung mismong activities nila ay meltdown-inducing? Pictures palang nila nalulula na ako. I tried attending one conference and one Angel's Walk and that was more than enough for me. Halos gusto kong sumuka sa sensory overload. And the fact that this is all for show. Pakitang tao. They don't know what the hell they're advocating, because if they did they'd at least try to work on the sensory aspects of it. Not to mention yung social side. Ang ingay, ang daming tao, magulo.

I know none of this matters. I'm a failure in life whether or not I have a disability. I'm just angry I didn't get the interventions I needed and I have to live the rest of my life without any support or understanding. I don't belong anywhere, kahit sa mga mental health groups like this one I can hardly relate kasi iba yung underlying problem ko sa kanila. For example, people assume I have social anxiety kaya di ako nagsasalita when it's actually a sensory and processing problem. Eh paano ako mag-eexplain kung walang magtatanong? Nobody cares. People would rather assume the worst of me than care about me. Even professionals, even my family. Nakakaasar na talaga.

Sana mamatay na ako. I have nothing to live for and nothing to look forward to.