Hello, I’m diagnosed with MDD and been on escitalopram.

I just wanted to share an MDD “symptom” (na hindi ako sure if symptom) na i find very different or i feel like it is kasi ako lang kilala ko na may ganito.

I experience suicidal ideations during commutes.

I remembered one day tatawid ako to the other side of a busy road. Di naman big city pero madaming cars and motors. Hindi rin malaki yung tatawiran ko pero i found myself frozen for a good 30s-1min standing sa edge of the street bago mag-cross.

I was then imagining graphic scenarios in my head of taking a step in front of the busy road. Getting hitting by a car and laying lifeless and bloody on the road. No matter how graphic it was in my head, it felt so……calming. Like it was whispering in my head na “just take one step and everything will go away.” Like instead of fear, it felt like an invitation. To happiness. To the end.

One might even say, it felt like coming home.

But I didn’t step.

I stopped.

I composed myself and did the steps my shrink told me to. Breathing exercises and clenching my fists.

This also occurs to me when i take the train. Habang naghihintay ng train, i cant help but stare at the tracks and fantasize about stepping forward. Again, graphic images of my lifeless body, guts and blood all out flooded my brain as i continue to stare at the tracks

Ever since then i try as much as possible to commute with someone. Or if kaya, grab na lang talaga.

Napaisip tuloy ako na whether may relation ba mental illness x suicidal ideation x commuting? Ako lang ba nakaka-experience ng ganito?