/TW: mentions suicidal thoughts, strong language/

im an international student, been here for about 2 years already. malapit na ako grumaduate and im supposed to find good full time job for my working permit. if other people were in my position, they would stay here and never come back sa pinas. ako, uwing uwi na.

i came here fresh SHS graduate ako, i studied college for a few months before i left, but i don’t really count that kasi COVID pa nun tapos online classes lang. i didn’t get to experience that college life sa pinas. i read some college fanfiction or AUs online and ang masasabi ko lang is sobrang iba yung college here and yung diyan. i don’t really have friends in uni, wala ako kinausap sa classroom, theres not much school activities, and everytime na matatapos yung class, wala na time makipagsocialize kasi usually mga students dito meron part time work after class (like me).

i do met a few friends and acquaintances, pero we would barely talk and bond with each other. sa sobrang busy with our own schedules, mga every 5 months na kami nakakapag gala. minsan gusto ko magopen up sakanila about sa struggles ko, pero hindi ko tinutuloy kasi alam kong marami rin sila pinoproblema and ayoko na dumagdag sa iniisip nila.

same with the people i live with here. lumipad ako dito magisa, so my whole family, friends, everyone i love is in the ph. right now, i live with my relatives, which hindi ko naman talaga kilala kasi nakakasama ko lang sila dati pag uuwi sila ng pinas. they’re good people, but it’s very hard to open up to them. most of them are old, mga kapatid sila ng lola ko. yung mga anak naman nila na pinsan ng mom ko, is parang tinuturing ko na tropa ko. kaso, since busy nga lahat ng mga tao dito, hindi ko rin sila makausap at makabonding masyado. i only have one relative who knows about my true thoughts, and yun yung tita ko na sobrang bait, supportive, and she never judged me. she has her own baby now, and i felt like i should stop opening up to her kasi same nga sa friends, ayoko na dumagdag pa sa iniisip niya.

im here in canada to study kasi ang goal is for me to be established here, and to bring my whole family here as well. ever since pagdating ko dito, yan na laging nireremind sakin ng mga old relatives. hanggang ngayon. nahihirapan na ako kasi marami din silang expectations. usually, i would tell myself that i am doing a good job whenever i feel like i am, but most of the time, they would say it’s never enough. mahilig din silang magcompare. oo alam ko, wag ko nalang sila pakinggan, pero madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. lalo na kung paulit ulit. i used to be that kid here na masayahin tapos nakangiti lang lagi kahit di na maganda sinasabi ng mga matatanda, pero i just got tired of it, hirap magpanggap. i never talked back to them or explained to them kasi alam kong masasayang lang laway ko kasi di naman nila maiintindihan. grabe rin yung effect nito sa mental health ko. ngayon, ako naman tong nagmumukhang masama/ungrateful sakanila. pero nawalan na ako ng pake, im too tired to deal with that already. they would say na magsabi lang kapag nahihirapan na and need na ng help, pero pano ko magagawa yun kung ganyan sila magisip?

my part time work is really toxic too. sobrang overworked and underpaid ako. matagal na akong naghahanap ng ibang work pero grabe yung discrimination sa international students. di sila masyado naghihire na tulad naming permit lang. kaya ayun, nasanay nalang ako sa work, tamang auto pilot pag shift na then grabe pagod na nararamdaman pagtapos.

yung family ko sa pinas, they don’t pressure me at all. lagi lang sila nagaalala. and di ko talaga kayang sabihin lahat ng to sakanila hahaha at ayoko rin.

[TW] i really feel like i lost my old and happy self when i came here. i feel like im in a 30 year old living in a 21 year old body, based from my daily routine and responsibilities. my mental health hit rock bottom, and i feel lonely all the time. i lost my friends, i don’t talk to them anymore, nakalimutan na nila ata ako hahahaha. it’s so hard for me kasi i don’t have anyone to open up to (comfortably) and i feel like im just a backup for everyone. pag bored/may kailangan, dun lang kakausapin ako. sinasabi ko nalang sa sarili ko na tanggapin ko na magisa lang talaga ako. im also broke, i used to have money saved up but this depression got worse and i thought buying stuff would make me feel better. i got so many bills to pay, so many things to think and worry about, it keeps me stressed out every day. my mental health issues make me an unfunctional person, and i hate it. araw-araw ko nalang naiisip na sana di na ako nagising, sana masagasaan na ako, sana meron nang sumaksak sakin. kung mangyari nga yun, papasalamatan ko pa yung taong gumawa nun. what’s keeping me from hurting and k!lling myself is yung fact na masasayang lahat ng efforts ng family ko para lang makapunta ako rito. nahihirapan na ako, pati sa ganyang sitwasyon, di ko pa mauna yung sarili ko, na gusto ko nalang humimlay. kung pwede lang, uuwi na ako, pero hindi pwede eh. masasayang lahat ng efforts, i would be seen as a failiure and quitter if i go back home. and it’s gonna affect my family’s image.

i tried a lot of things to help me cope. im currently on anti depressants right now, kaso it doesn’t really help anymore. i used to go to counselling, but since nagmove na yung dati kong counsellor, i didn’t wanna see a new one and start from square one. all of my coping mechanisms before aren’t really helping me cope anymore, i would say going to the gym keeps me happy and distracted but right after i leave the gym, im back to my usual depressed self again. i made the decision to go for therapy, but i still need to talk to my family doctor about that. i just know it’s gonna take me a long time until i get assigned to a therapy clinic.

hay.