From when I was younger I always felt that the "love" I received from my mum and dad was love. I'm going to put down the actions that happened to me.

Timeline

8 to 10 years old

My first experience of violence was from when my Dad strangled me and wanted to throw me out of the kitchen window. I can't remember when he let go of me but he did. I remember running to my parents room. I locked the door and held the cricket bat in my hand and was ready to hit him if he was going to be doing any more physical damage to me.

Although not violent, it was still something that is traumatic to me. I heard a loud noise repeatedly been done with my dad screaming. It was in the kitchen where my mum was smashing dad's watch. The watch was one where you could store phone numbers. Seems dad was having an affair at the time.

The next one was my mum and dad having a physical fight. My mum told me to sit in the living room with a smile and to eat as much as I want and not leave the room. There I was, sitting there with fried chicken and salad in front of me. This is why I don't like fried chicken on the bone. I heard a noise and opened the living room door and the bedroom door. There was mum, pinning dad down and her saying to me, get the cricket bat because I'm going to fucking kill someone today. I ran and got it for her and she wanted to hold the handle at dad's neck. I don't remember why it stopped but she did. Dad moved out.

Teenage years/secondary school

I was doing my maths homework with my mum helping me out. We used the ruler we got from Tower of London which had Henry the 8th with his wives. She didn't like the answer I said and she started slapping me with the ruler telling me I'm a flipping idiot. The ruler broke and she said now I broke the ruler! I have to use my flipping hands. She started beating on me but don't remember why she stopped.

Both my parents went and beat me that left bruises of green and purple on my arms and legs. I had to hide them when I ever got change for P.E or Games. I told my friends don't say anything to the teacher because I don't want to be taken away.

I was strangle by my dad a number of times again for some reason which I don't remember.

Adult life 19

My first job I was told I could go get lunch but what started to become a issue was that I was told I had to go get everyone else's lunch from different places. Meaning my food would go cold or their one would. One of the lines used was I'm the manager and I'm telling you what to do.

The same thing would happen again in a later job where I had to go get everyone's lunch but would lose my hour of lunch. So in this sense, I wouldn't get to eat my lunch until it was quiet and cold. What was said to me was the manager saying you only got a hour so better be quick. I replied saying do you want me to get your lunch? And he said do you want to have a job still? I walked away getting everyone's lunch but I made a choice to stand against it when he said you're back now, your hour is up. I decided to not go back to work and just eat my food.

Knowing I was dump by a ex girlfriend, he took the piss and drew a picture of saying look that's you with the curly hair and that's your ex there! We'll call her DJ fatty. I could feel the tears building up in my eyes but I wouldn't cry in front of him.

Abuse would happen with a ex girlfriend where she would abuse me by telling me I can't read the clothes I liked or I wasn't allowed to speak a way where it wasn't okay despite knowing my tourettes were kicking off. I was told off in front of her friends and treated badly.

My mum would continue the abuse at times where she would get physical against me. The latest abuse I received from her was before Easter where she kept repeatedly saying, one of us going to the prison and the other one is going to the hospital. She was arrested and released that same day. Resulted in me been homeless.

Ex friend invited me to stay round to be her live in carer and teach me how to cook meals. She later started to become abusive to me by telling everything I was saying was wrong despite showing her evidence. It got to two big fights and I made the choice to leave after the second one. It was after that I was hit with insane claims that I was sexually harassing and sexual assaulted her. She started messaging my partner by telling her all this and even text me very weird questions such as... I also like to know why there is cum on your pillow case and my knickers in your bed. I cut her off in full as she kept been abusive by saying I didn't care since I haven't spoken to her. Telling me she had another stroke, her mum is in hospital or other things. It was a very draining experience and left me questioning myself on everything, including my relationship with my partner.

Another woman who I felt very connected with who lives in another country made me feel guilty as sin. I sent a Easter box to her and I was given insults and told how much she hates me and I ruined her. The hot caramel chocolate exploded in the box and went all over the contents in the box. It wasn't something I wanted to happen and it made me feel that I was fully to blame. As of now, she isn't talking to me and I might not hear from her.

TBC

The point is... I'm 41 years old, male and maybe my learning difficulties get in the way of understanding a lot of things and I struggle to know what abuse really is. It hasn't stopped me trying to get back up and believe me, it's very difficult getting up at times especially with how bad my life is. I don't want to keep doing it. I'm tired and I just want to rest and found another solution.

My name is Antonio and I'm not okay.