I'm trans. Assigned female at birth. Legally I am now male and present as such to public. I am non binary. I am on T and have been for 3 years.

I have always supsected CSA due to a multitude of reasons but the big stuff is the dating I did ages 13-17. I always dated older boys (I'm gay) who were generally bisexual and liked my mixed gender appearance. All but one were online. I felt incredibly compelled to please them sexually even when I did not want to.

My first IRL relationship was deeply abusive otherwise. But then there was the sex stuff. He rarely wanted to be touched, only touched me. I never said no. But I rarely said yes. He would start and I would let him. I got a UTI like this once. I used to brag about it to friends. I felt like I should be proud of it.

Now I am an adult (19) living with my now second IRL partner. He is fantastic. But boundaries during sex is an issue. I feel like if I am not sexually pleasing my partner I am worthless. I push too hard for sex because if somebody says no, then obviously they don't love me. It's difficult and tumultuous. I of course value consent; I know how it feels to have it disregarded. I just put pressure. And I hate it. And all the gender stuff.. I feel like I have no place. Based on anatomy I might get grouped in with female survivors. Many male survivor groups I find are predominantly cis.

No point to saying all this I suppose. Just ruminating. Had a fight last night with my partner after they were tired and didn't want to do any sexual stuff and I got upset. I feel awful about myself. I was raised always to respect consent and I have never felt differently. But when it is like this, I feel rejected. It is so difficult to remove my worth from sex.